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I had absolutely nothing to write today. I was thinking hard. Because I had a great weekend celebrating my birthday, I wasn’t really focused on finding connections. And also…I was cheating on Carrie with the new love of my life – Olivia Pope. BET showed a Scandal marathon, and I got caught up in it. It was like Law and Order for a second…if I didn’t hurry and change the channel, I was going to get caught up for the next 14 hours and miss my birthday dinner, lol. But as I re-watched Season 1 on Saturday and parts of SATC2 tonight to try and find inspiration for something to write, I realized something: Carrie and Olivia have a few things in common.
These are two seemingly very different women in exponentially different personal spheres. What could they have in common? Here is what I thought: First, they use their avenues of influence as personal therapy. Carrie’s column took the brunt of most of her “in my head” analyzing. Olivia’s relationship issues turned out to be her best advice to her clients. Everyone remembers the advice of the century to the guy who was in love with his brother’s wife…and the best line ever?
“Stolen moments aren’t a life.”
I remember saying out loud, “Encourage yourself, girl…speak over yourself.” Then I thought…it’s very similar to what Carrie said to Aidan when he realized she was “cheating”. Cigarettes became the allegorical symbol for her infidelity.
Second, neither of them could make what they knew was right stick. How many times did both Carrie/Olivia say they were done with Big/Fitz? Eventually, Carrie and Big married, but when things got too happy and comfortable, she lived for the spice up. They made an entire storyline out of that for the Sex and the City 2 movie (Really? She was bored. That was all that happened for her in the second movie. She was bored.) For different reasons, Olivia won’t let she and Fitz get to their happily ever after. She pulls out at the end each time. I’m pretty sure this just makes the show work, but work with me here.
Third, even with the ideas of their fathers, I remember when the guy who worked with Carrie at Vogue told her she spends her whole life asking questions about men because her father left without answers (Season 4, “A Vogue Idea”). I wonder how Olivia’s relationship with Rowan affects how she interacts with guys. She couldn’t make the relationship with Edison work. You could argue that he was like Carrie’s Aidan. Additionally, you can’t refute the effect that both shows have had on women. Pope’s power is the new Carrie’s fashion. I swear when I went to DC this summer, I just wanted a white coat so I could walk around posing by things. With gloves. Totally with gloves. In a heat wave. That’s the kind of nerd I am.
Lastly, the thing they have most in common is that they are flawed. Very flawed. Carrie is there for her friends, she’s a successful writer, and had wonderful shoes…but she didn’t have the greatest moral compass. Same with Pope…smart and powerful with a fly wardrobe, loves the family she created at OPA, but finds it exceedingly difficult to turn away from One Minute moments. Olivia’s very emotion-filled “I don’t show up to places just because you want me,” was convincing, but short-lived. Same with Carrie’s “You can drive up this street all you want because I DON’T LIVE HERE ANYMORE!” (Season Six Part 2, “An American Girl in Paris – part une”) only to find herself laughing with him on the floor of a Parisian hotel. That’s women. That’s people. We are flawed. We’ve announced to the world, our friends, or at least to ourselves that we are done with some person/place/thing only to answer a text, be caught in an Instagram photo, or have it in our hands again. we mess up. Maybe not on the scales that get to be discussed incessantly by bystanders who claim they’d NEVER be in that situation, but we do.
I couldn’t help but draw comparisons between two of the most discussed woman characters on television of past and present. I love both of the women, but I appreciate that the characters are flawed. That’s life. Big had to travel to Paris and Fitz had to wait out a clock, but the stories and cycles are similar. I’m curious as to how Pope and Fitz’ stories will turn out. Carrie got married and her happy (ish) ending, but I doubt Shonda will let it be tied up with that pretty a bow.
Come on October 3rd.
Do you watch Scandal? Do you see any other comparisons? Shout ’em out.
Love,
-V
As I was hashing out what I was going to write today, I reflected on my last few posts where I tried to reference Sex and the City 2 but couldn’t remember it though I remember disliking it. I recall preparing to see the movie. I even remember writing the first review. So I decided last night to re-watch it to see if I still felt the same way about it.
I do.
Even worse actually.
I think it’s even worse because then the excitement of it being a new movie, a new Sex and the City movie at that, made me see it differently. I still agree with what I said about Big being the character who remained most true to himself. I still hate Miranda’s corniness. The dialogue was subpar. The clothes…well…the clothes were still good. I meant mostly. I’m still annoyed with Carrie’s hat(s). I still think that all of the best things were throwbacks to the series: the Dior dress, Aidan’s appearance, Smith Jared’s abs.
It made me think about how much a little time can change your review about any thing. Most of the time when I review something that happened after time got a hold of it, I realize how bad it was. When I look back at past relationships, I see how unhappy I was and how I was mostly committed to my commitment. There is a birthday that I have completely blocked from my memory because I hate how a guy I eventually ended up dating embarrassed me in front of my family and friends. In the moment, it was bad. In retrospect it was worse. The good thing about time is that it does provide some type of healing, but the better thing is that it provides clarity. What actually happened. What really occurred. Things you might have decided to gloss over because of the emotion involved that clouded the details become 20/20. Like seriously…I wonder how Kanye West will look back at this moment of life after the passing of his mom after he gets the therapy he probably needs and needed. Will he still think the leather kilt was a good look?
I know this: I have never been happy in any past relationship. There were always things I “dealt with” because I didn’t really believe what I would want could or would happen. I could have happy moments, and decide they were evidence of overall happiness. I also know this: I didn’t think that Sex and the City 2 was a good movie. I liked the moments that reminded me of the show in new ways, but mostly, I could leave it.
Have you ever had a situation that time allowed you to see the reality of it, and not the story of it you probably told in the moment? Are you thanking your lucky stars for this fresher view? Let me know.
Love,
-V
P.S. But serious Carrie…WTF…? You look like the Queen of Spades… 
“I sparked with this person. I never spark.” –Carrie Bradshaw
How many times do you find someone who you hit it off with immediately? So assuming you’re my age (29), in the past 10 years, when was the last time you’ve found someone that you meshed with immediately? What…like, 2? Two times? Yep, that’s about right. Can I tell you a secret? I have never meshed immediately with anyone I’ve ever dated. (Hmm…that could be the problem.) It was always something I worked toward. It had to grow.
The first guy I ever “sparked” with was this guy. He and I are still friends, and I still judge every relationship by our friendship. Ideally, it’s what I would want. He wasn’t perfect, but he had (and still had) character. That’s a rarity these days. We talk about once every month or two, checking in about life, cracking jokes, and seeing how the other’s relationship with God is faring (see??? See what I mean? *deep sigh*). I always make sure to ask about his family (he’s a husband and father now), and we keep up with each other. We were always good friends. Very Dawson’s Creek.
He was the only one I’ve ever sparked with immediately…until he wasn’t.
There is someone who I’ve sparked with, almost immediately. We met because of a common purpose, and have very similar personalities and intellectual thought processes. Honestly, he reminds me a lot of the dude up there. Smart, funny, with several other *unicorn-esque characteristics. I remember thinking it when I first met him… “We click.” And then I found out he had a girlfriend.
In Season 5, “Plus One is the Loneliest Number” Carrie was celebrating her impending book release. She was speaking with her editors and met a guy. A smart guy. A funny guy. A guy with whom she had a common interest (writing). And they had a non-date. Just spent time together doing random non-important things. And she went out on a limb and asked him to be her Plus One. And then she found out about his girl, their cohabitation, and her visiting parents. And she made the statement that was so reflective that I’m sure that this fictional character woman was thinking for any woman in this situation, “What’s the point of meeting someone like that if they’re unavailable!” Touché.
Charlotte responded this way, “Maybe that’s the universe’s way of telling you they’re still out there,” while Miranda (I think…or Samantha) said, “No, it’s the universe’s way of saying all the good ones are taken.” Hmm… So how do you take spark plugs? You know, those situations when you find yourself feeling someone that you can’t pursue? When I was in Germany, I met a guy on the Omega Cruise (he was a Kappa though). He worked for BMW and lived in New York. He was in Germany for work. We talked awhile, but the reality was we were in Germany. The likelihood of anything coming of it was low (though we still email from time to time). I personally have no idea. It’s one thing if you just notice the plug…but to actually see the fire pop? Then what?
What I will say is that I thank the Charlotte’s in my life who choose faith. It’s good to have you folks in my corner. I hope anyone else who has ever experienced this situation has a few Charlottes. Because, character in the dating pool is starting to become a masterpiece of minimalism. (Can you name that quote? 5 points if you can :-] ).
So what say you? How do you handle those? Try to change your own destiny? Wait for your own version? Kick kittens? I’m interested in knowing. 🙂
Love,
–V 🙂
*unicorn: a person who has many wonderful qualities that either have a low propensity of being in one person, or if they are…said person should look like a mud duck (but oddly…he or she doesn’t)
P.S. This song has been stressing me out, lol. The girl at the gas station is overlooked in this scenario.
Hey folks!.
Okay seriously? I know, I know. I can’t promise when I will blog…I can only promise that I will.
Now, on to the show.
One of my favorite cautionary quotes is “Trust is like a mirror. You can fix it if it’s broken, but you’ll still see the cracks in the reflection.” (That dang on Lady GaGa, lol. This is paraphrased to take out the curse word, but you get the point.) It has gotten me to thinking over the past few months days. Can you actually rebuild trust?
There have been times I’ve forgiven people. A lot of times. But I notice that I still treat them who have recently been in car accidents and hear screeching noises: I tense up. Not physically, but emotionally. If you’ve lied to me, I question what you say. If you’ve let me down, I don’t depend on you. Sure, I’ve gotten past the actual infraction, but I’m not leaving myself open to a future one.
I found this interesting in Carrie more than any of the other girls. She seemed to trust Big implicitly. She went back to him, let’s see…1, 2, 3, 4, …5 times (or so…hmm…6 if you include the movie…more if you include little rendezvous…what the heck is the plural of rendezvous?? It already sounds plural. #englishteacherswag) throughout the course of the series. She seemed like she had forgotten the past at every encounter. However, in SATC: The Movie, she literally went from
to….
…within a 24 hour period. Now granted, you jilt me…you better HOPE all I have at my disposal are flowers. BUT…what got me was her statement: “I knew you would do this to me! I knew it!” Seems all wasn’t forgotten. His past mistakes/decisions/let downs came rushing back in that statement. In that statement, there wasn’t surprise. There was confirmation.
Miranda and Steve met on the Brooklyn Bridge to show that trust would be restored………………..but they never quite returned to that storyline at all in the second movie to explore. I wonder if she would’ve ever done a phone blow-up on a night when it seemed he was taking too long to come home from the bar after that.
I want to say that I can refill trust…but at most, I think I have a 90% trust refund. That capacity diminishes by double the previous with every infraction. And, I’m pretty forgiving. I get mad at myself when I feel like I’ve gotten “un-angry” too quickly. But, that forgetting is a different ball game. It’s like even when I think I can, my head gives my heart a side-eye like, “Really? Really dude?”
So what say you? Can trust be repaired completely? Or does the party seeking restoration of trust have to live with the diminished capacity? Or…is time the necessary factor, but the length of time is indeterminable? What say you?
Love,
–V
Over the course of a few weeks, relationships have been the topic of discussion in my social circle. Not just for pleasure, but a few of us are working with our church to develop a curriculum for single Christians about dating. Our candid conversations and a few focus groups have somehow continually led back to a train of thought: is “the one” prepackaged, or must you create him/her?
Let me back up…the conversation really was about men and women having to be taught how to care about their mates. The question was, if it’s really the person for you, should you have to teach that stuff? Shouldn’t it be instinct? Chemistry? Prayers to baby Jesus and Mattel about the exact person for you?
I was watching the very first episode of Sex and the City a few weeks ago with a friend, and tonight with my boyfriend in various states of sleeping and waking on the couch. I remembered when I was watching with my friend, several blogging ideas popped into my head, but I couldn’t remember what they were. However, at about 10-13 minutes into the show, Samantha made a statement that popped out at me. Samantha and Miranda were doing their men aren’t worth it thing, and when Charlotte announced that giving up on love is sick, Carrie said, “Believe me, if the right guy comes along, all this these two are saying…out the window.” Samantha responded with “The right guy is an illusion, don’t you see?”
Whoa. Time out. Hmm…is she on to something? I think that’s about right. I don’t think any guy – or girl for that matter – comes with no assembling required. My male friends (boyfriend included) beg to differ. They tend to think that it should be effortless, no lessons, etc…
I think that both are true…there should be some instinctual characteristics that should be present from jump…personalization of said characteristics require training. For instance, I love when anyone I’m dating calls me to check on me and see how I’m doing just because he wants me to know he was thinking about me. I do not, however, like voicemails. Now, according to the guys in my circle, if he was really for me, he would instinctively know that, call me 3 times, and then leave a text. If he does, however, leave voicemails, it’s a sign it wasn’t meant to be! (This is hyperbole, but you get my drift.)
I do believe relationships take a bit of both. Characteristics are instinct, but personalization requires lessons…what say you?
Merry Christmas everyone. Happy Birthday Jesus (well…almost celebrated day of birth. It’s 10:55pm on the 24th.)
Love,
–V
One of my favorite sayings from “The Game” character Tasha Mack is, “Emotional walls, girl…emotional walls!” It means that she’s in a situation where she needs to detach herself so she can do something without bias/say something smart/shank somebody/something. It probably (and by probably I mean “not at all” because she’s not a real person) came from a lifetime of having to sustain herself and her child in the hood and beyond. It was a learned behavior.
Over the past few weeks, I’ve had some time to reflect on myself and my own behaviors. Even a few months ago in this post, I wondered what I am giving off to attract the “type” of guys who become attracted to me. Now, for the first time in a looooooooooong time, I have started thinking about my past relationship. The one that ended over a year ago. Not about him (in the least), but about it. I’m trying to figure out my learned behaviors.
One thing I’ve observed from watching Sex and the City is that Carrie always took her cues from her relationship with Big. I’m pretty sure that her other relationships did not work because she was either acting like she was still with Big or behaving in the manner that would cause behavior she craved from Big. She kept things light. (He would withdraw if she went too deep.) She made insinuations until absolutely necessary. (He used directness as a way to highlight reluctance to commit, and she never wanted his mind to go there…and he knew it.) Laughing and banter is what cultivated their intimacy. (He would have been turned off by emotional outpours.) She learned the game and played it until she couldn’t. (I would normally reference a specific show here, but choose an episode with Big in it, and then pick an example. Don’t worry…the words will still be here when you get back ;). )
Anyone who has known me for at least 8 years knows about three different versions of who I am, and I’m willing to bet that they are all some variation of timid, subdued, and bold. Some people (who shall remain nameless) have referred to me as a nutcracker within the past year or so (how rude, lol). It wasn’t like this before. Oh, I’ve always been opinionated. Maybe a little less direct than I am now, but I’ve never been afraid to express that opinion, but in relationships? I walked the line that was drawn. Tried to be ever-accommodating. I was vulnerable (not a bad thing necessarily) and though I was never overly emotional, I was not afraid to express my feelings.
My ex was very scaled back. He wasn’t overly affectionate. We had a highly intellectual relationship…our jokes about arguing over the correct pronunciation of Hungary during the Olympics at 4am, or the little Jamaican girl with the attitude on the Scripp’s Spelling Bee are some of my best memories of us because it was totally us. No one else would do it. Most of the time if we were together, people could only tell we were dating by the proximity of our seating, but they admired the yin and yang thing we had going. We held hands rarely, and usually in cases that dictated it – romantic dinners, walks on a beach, around other people who were holding hands. We danced together on New Year’s Eve at his uncle’s annual party. We sat opposite each other at dinner…never shared a bench like the people we sometimes made fun of (“Don’t they need elbow room?”) What’s funny is, I always wanted more (not a lot more because it would have been too much). He shut down if I “explained” too much and it seemed like it was emotional. He complained if I fell asleep on him while watching movies, because it would make it difficult for him to move around if he needed to do so.
So what did I do? I danced on New Year’s Eve. I sat on the opposite bench. I held hands quickly at traffic lights. I solidified my explanations to bare speaking points, infused with jokes so it never seemed too emotionally driven. I put my feet on him instead of my head. I allowed him to temper my emotional behavior because that relationship was my first “real” one. It cultivated “relationships” for me. In other words, I Carrie-d.
Now, I don’t understand real flirting with actual feelings involved. Oh I can play the game, but not when there’s anything to lose. It’s not in my natural reaction to be overly affectionate, even though I don’t dislike it at all. I shut down when I hear too much emotion in someone’s explanation to find the bare points. And I try as I’m learning. It comes out in spurts like cars with 9 tablespoons of gas. I’ll get very affectionate…and then go sit in my chair where it is impossible to sit next to me. I wonder if anyone else has this story.
I don’t think I want to stay this way, but I don’t want to Carrie either. What’s a girl to do?
Do you have any learned behaviors lingering from the past? Are they helpful? Harmful?
Love,
–V
(By the way, if you didn’t know the title was an allusion to “…Romeo and Juliet”, then please up your literary game 😉 If you didn’t know what an allusion was…I probably just sighed. These are English teacher woes, lol)
Hi folks!
I have so much to write about, but not the time to do it. I need one of those voice recognition software so I could just talk it out and edit as I see fit. My birthday came (I’m 28 now 🙂 ), school is back in, I’m busy with extra activities and responsibilities, and now I have a sinus thing to pop up (which is annoying), so things are just piling up!
Anyway, here is a quickie: When Carrie was dating Big and felt like there was no one else in the world…until she saw him out on a date. She said “I thought you said you had a business thing tonight?” He said, “I said a dinner thing” (Season 1, “The Monogamists”). She couldn’t believe that he had gone on a date when all she could think about was him. She said the idea of seeing another man would be like trying to fit another outfit into an already over-stuffed suitcase.
So here is my question…and it is in two parts: What constitutes a date? Specifically.
And part 2: What constitutes dating?
This is a bit of curiousity, a bit of research…
I’d love to know!
Love,
–V
In case you were wondering, I did not NOT make it back from Europe. I made it without much fanfare. I was really prepared for customs, and it was a total let-down, lol! No searching through my underwear to see if I had fruit or meat…no nothing!
Anyway, a lot of things have been happening, but oddly, I haven’t wanted to write on them. One main reason is that for me to accurately portray them, it would mean sharing more of my personal life than I feel comfortable. For any writer out there, you know that you write from the heart and what you know. I know a lot, and there’s a lot in my heart……….I’m just not too sure it needs to be on the web.
I have also just been enjoying the rest of my summer break. I hope your summers have been going well, and I’m going to get back on the ball before the beginning of next week. I have a few ideas lined up.
Love,
–V
Paris, to me, ended my trip.
Anything else I do while I’m overseas is just killing time waiting for the plane.
It was remarkable. Beautiful. Everything I hoped. Just not the ending I expected.
It ended with tears and not because my loved one accidentally hit me (Season 6 – Part 2, “An American Girl in Paris – deux”). Or, maybe it did. I was romantic and giddy. I have dreamed of seeing Paris only second to Rome. I had enthusiastically visited every museum that my cousin wanted to see, taking time to take it in. When we got to Paris, she just kept saying, “I don’t care. This is your part. Do whatever.” It made me feel like I needed to rush “my part” as to not make her uncomfortable. It was a let down, in a sense. I felt that what I had built up had been dismissed in a mere 48 hours. It seemed that she never got excited about anything. This was compounded by the fact that Paris got moved to the very end of the trip, so my euros weren’t making cents. So yes, there were tears in the Hard Rock Cafe (Don’t judge me. The menu was in English.)
Anyway, this got me thinking about how often we can be in places foreign to us, and someone else’s attitude takes it from excitement to despair. Carrie was excited in Paris until she realized that all of Petrovsky’s want for her to be present didn’t measure up in reality. She felt alone in a city where she wasn’t understood (literally and figuratively). Now, I know my cousin didn’t mean to hurt my feelings, but it doesn’t change the fact that it dampered my mood.
What about you? Have you ever had an experience where someone else ruined how you wanted something to go? I tell you what, I don’t know if or when I’ll get to come to Paris again, so I didn’t let it get me too down. Here are some pics I took (I’m trying to step my photography game up).
An American Girl in Paris...
Yep. There I am. 🙂
I hope you’re doing well.
Love,
–V
Like anyone else near the southeast…and northeast for that matter…I am snowed in.
If you’re in Jersey, New York, Chicago, etc…this might not be a big deal for you, but the south is shut down. I can’t go anywhere (albeit, this was an excellent week off work), and am starting to get a bit cabin feverish. I attempted to make a snowperson (my first one ever!), and a snow angel. That got me through the first day, but now I want human-to-human contact.
My Snowteen, Ivory
This got me thinking about winter boos. This term was popularized by Helena Andrews, and used to describe a person of the opposite sex kept around during the colder seasons for companionship and random chores. I’m thinking that because of the stay-inside thing that is going on due to the weather, Metro-Atlanta might be dealing with a baby-boom come November.
But, I digress. What if a lot of the reason that people start to break up in the Spring is because they never really meshed in the fall? Look at Carrie and
Aleksandr Petrovsky. They were perfectly fine in the winter. Sure, a few misunderstandings that were ultimately looked over because, hey, who wants to be alone in the cold? But what about when there are no horse drawn carriages to rent, and no cappucinos to make. Then what? It’s you and him, and nothing else. Do you still mesh then?
A few friends of mine have been talking to me about this guy or that guy who “kind of gets on their nerves,” but they’ll wait and see what happens. If he’s getting on your nerves now, isn’t that odds that he still will be when it’s time for the world to see your toes again? I say yes. If you’re in a Winter Boo situation, call it what it is.
What do you think?
Love,
–V
P.S. Happy Founder’s Day to the illustrious Divas of Delta Sigma Theta 
Sorority!! Oo-Oop!
Sex and the City Psychology 