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Yep. I thought I told you that we won’t stop, I thought I told you that we won’t stop! *Insert random Diddy noises*
Hi.
Yep. A straight Scandal, Pope listening to the President speak words after being shot in the head response… “Hi.”
Yes I know I haven’t written since Valentine’s Day. And I know that I could have and didn’t. But since Luvvie is all rallying the writing troops for her #31WriteNow Challenge…it seemed as good a time as any to get back in the saddle.
For this month of August, I’m going to try to write a post everyday. It seems a good month to do it…I turn 30 this month. I’m entering a new decade. A new age box to check on surveys. A new mindset of things that creep into your head that you never gave more than a passing whim to before. The age group where you start thinking about your parents dying. Or what you want to happen to your career in real-time, not theory. If you think you could handle having an actual kid. Is there someone you could be with the rest of your life and make the new version of your family? Dude…just go running…it’s not about vanity anymore – it’s about health. Yeah, I’m not doing that………I’m about to be 30, and I’m saying no to that one. Why? Just because.
Those thoughts permeate my brain on a daily basis in one source or form or another. I’m reflective. I’m a creature of habit, so change is a big deal to me. But I’m also a Leo, so challenges aren’t. Let’s see if this month can help filter through the murkiness of my mind…not forgetting to nod to the pristine places too. Here we go…you in?
Love,
-V
You see this?
It was posted on Instagram by @alex_elle (Alexandra Elle). It spoke to me. Read it.
It is a part of her #anote2self campaign. Her idea is that “we all need reminders” and she invites people to use the hashtag and write their own notes.
This particular one spoke to me because I’ve had a rough year. It is probably been rougher than most realize or understand, that’s for sure. However, on this day…this particular day in February…it’s so easy to focus on what we don’t have or to look to the next level as more important than the one we’re in. So I just wanted to share this #anote2self: You are enough.
It seems like sometimes in life when we keep getting two to the body, and one to the head, we get used to rolling with the punches. What happens is that when we finally stop, we realize that we are bruised. Battered. Beaten. We never give ourselves time to heal between blows. Maybe because we are so used to pressing on. To dusting ourselves off. And when we finally stop…we may not recognize ourselves. We may doubt our abilities. Our gifts. Our value. Our anything. So this reminder is that you are enough.
In “Attack of the 5’10” Woman” (Season 3…my favorite season), Carrie was almost desperate to show Natasha that she was fabulous. When that opportunity didn’t present itself, she felt like less and less. That was because through all of her heartache, she had begun to feel like less and less…but never stopped. My favorite part of that episode is when Charlotte told Carrie in the midst of her obsession: “Listen to you. You don’t have to prove anything. You are stunning… intelligent… and funny.” Carrie’s response was, “Wow! Why can’t you do that for yourself?”
Sometimes we can’t. Sometimes we feel so let down or rejected that it clouds our ability to see value in ourselves. You feel enough pain and you get tired. You believe your worst critique. The value is pushed down deep and possibly covered. But it’s there. And no matter who didn’t see it, who didn’t want it, who can’t stand it…it’s there. And you are enough.
So, just let yourself heal. It’s God’s battle anyway. 🙂
I’m not sure if anyone needed that, but this is #anote2self…so if it isn’t for anyone else, I’ll take it. So no matter how much I’ve been hurt, or feel sad or down, I have to know that I am enough. Even if it’s just because God said so.
Have a Happy Valentine’s Day.
Love,
–V
2012,
We didn’t meet under the best circumstances. Our introduction was awkward, and tainted by deception, betrayal, and embarrassment. I felt like I was a horrible person to deserve some of the things that I had endured by the time I laid eyes on you. I felt like I had control of very little. My life was being held together by a thread…a strong thread, but a thread. I didn’t feel like I had control over anything. And I felt loved, but alone.
I learned one very key lesson from our first glance: Grace. I learned the incredible strength it takes to forgive and push forward once you’ve been wronged. I learned to look past a person’s issues and choices and see the brokenness that caused it. It was important for me to learn that lesson because at some point, I’ll need it from someone else. God allowed me a minor glimpse of what He feels daily when dealing with us… When dealing with me.
As we got to know each other better, I know now that I was hurting. Not from the actual issue present at our meeting, but from every relational issue that had ever been. Some of my fears and self-doubt were surfacing, and it was coated with the tight cap I had placed over my emotions over the last few years. I also realized that the pain from our meeting wasn’t because I had felt deeply, but because I had tried and failed. I was angry that my decision had not worked out, and I had been embarrassed in the process. But it doesn’t change the fact that I sincerely wanted to feel.
I got to know my insecurities as I spent more time with you. I had a glimpse of what I actually wanted, but deep down never thought I could attain. My friendships strengthened. I took a few risks. I used my gifts. I trusted God more. Sometimes I trusted Him less…but at least I now know where those areas are so I can remove my hands. I’d been angry. I started expressing myself in different forms.
I let someone in. Well, correction… someone got in. I was prideful and vulnerable. I was ugly and beautiful. I was hard and soft. I rejected and accepted. I made a friend. A friend who saw my insecurities and didn’t play on them. Someone who affirmed beauty in my ugly places. Someone who didn’t try to make me be… just allowed me to be… and then I was. Helped me see through some of my learned behaviors and make me miss my true personality. I trusted. That’s scary, 2012. You could have warned me that I’d be emoting through the latter part of the year. Could’ve given me some preparation for all the emotions that would come flooding back… but noooooo. I felt stripped and bare no matter how hard I tried to stay covered. And though it was frightening…it was freeing. Just inopportune.
So I’m leaving you with some similar feelings, but they’re a good negative if that makes any sense. I feel my broken places, and now I know they’re there. I won’t board them up. I’ll shine light into them and fix them. I won’t internalize rejection. I may feel lonely, but it’ll pass. And it won’t be my truth forever. I’ll be vulnerable…yet selective. I’ll be cautious…but I’ll love. And I’ll feel pain…but so help me God, it’ll be growing pain. It’ll make me better. Because in the new year, all I want to be is better.
I want that for you too. Whoever you are. So thanks, 2012. It wasn’t always pleasant, but it was necessary.
Love,
–V
…but it’s all so personal. I’m pretty sure every writer, at some point, had to get over how much of themselves they felt comfortable baring. This is especially true when your readers aren’t only people you don’t know, but those you do. That’s probably the hardest part of all.
I’m still here. I’m just trying to think my way around this.
Love,
–V
Remember this post about things to do in a year? I wrote it exactly one year ago…
I’ve done, or am immediately about to do, all of it.
I’ve bought Louboutins…I’m exceptionally more active at church. I’ve been on a roadtrip with my friends(Panama City Beach) and done something I was afraid of (parasailing and jet-skiing). I’m about to leave the country (Germany, with trips to Paris, Venice, Munich, Pisa, and possibly Barcelona…woo-hoo!!), and I figure I get a 5 day window for it to count in the year :), so I’m in on that one. I’ve bought several hot dresses and worn them. I’ve started chronicling for my book. I sang karaoke…once when I went on the cruise, and once when I got back to Atlanta. I’ve cultivated a relationship and several friendships, and while I haven’t been to the gun range, I have the groupon for it. It’s on deck for when I get back to the States. Not bad…not too bad at all. The only thing I haven’t dedicated lots of time to was going after a personal dream, at least not with make-up. But, I love teaching. I’m great at it…and I’m called to do it. And my mentee graduated from high school this year, and he thanked me immediately after crossing the stage. If that isn’t a personal dream, I’m not sure what is.
Thank you for chronicling with me. I’m exceptionally excited about the things I’ve done and the things I’ve opened myself up to do. So once I return, it may be time for a new list. I’m excited about traveling to Europe, and I have one major goal. Not to get kidnapped. And apparently to avoid gypsies…everyone has warned me about that. I don’t wanna have to fight nobody, lol.
So with all that said and done, not a bad 365 days. Clap for ’em.
Any suggestions for Europe from any international travelers? Any places that I just have to visit? Or eat? My cousin and I are geared up, and we’re ready to roll!
So let me say goodbye in all the languages I’ll encounter while on vacation…
Bye ~ Au Revoir ~ Auf Wiedersehen ~ Ciao
See you when I return (unless I get to update in Paris…that would rock)! Love,
–V 🙂
P.S. We’re stopping in Milan…oh the shoes…
Celebrate!
In approximately 17 minutes from the time I began writing this entry, it will be my 27th birthday. I have not been this excited for a birthday in a long time. I have plans with my girls, I have a dress that fits well after many days of eating grapefruit, and shoes. I am planning for it to be a great day.
What I love most about it is that I will be surrounded by people who have always had my back, and those who have shown me more recently that they don’t mind holding it down too. It’s funny, when someone who once said he’d love you “forever and a day” walks away without looking back, it forces you to truly appreciate those who show that they mean exactly what they say. And this is not to throw shade on him, honestly. I just truly have a new appreciation. I can now more clearly see the difference between associates and friends. My bs detector is up to date. And I love harder those who have proven themselves there for me…and I’m a bit more selective about who is in that group.
At the beginning of 2010, I would have never have dreamed that this was the state I’d find myself in by my birthday. This picture is vastly different than I would have imagined…and I’m okay with that. SO, to each and every person who did something in my life to teach me a lesson to help me improve me, for you, I am grateful. The friends in my corner, I love you so much. You are my SATC and lovejones wrapped in one. And yep, that includes the person who broke my heart, because the lessons that spawned from the experience are irreplaceable…especially once the tears stopped. Since that moment, I hit the ground running, and haven’t stopped yet. So yeah, I just might owe you one.
I officially go back to work tomorrow. This is mildly depressing for me, though I am thankful that I have a job.
So instead of bemoaning the loss of my summer and freedom, I’m going to recount the amazing things that happened this summer, because trust me I didn’t see them coming. I was just having a conversation with a friend that reminded me of how we both were concerned about my summer. The “free time” could have been heartwrenching so soon after a break-up. Now, I’m like, “Can I just have two more weeks???”
1. Making new friends. I made more acquaintances in the past two months or so than I have in the entire time I’ve lived in Georgia. I even strengthened an acquaintance to a full-fledged friendship. Trust me, girl, I wouldn’t have made it without you this year. This doesn’t take away from my existing friendships…it actually added to them.
2. Attempting things I was afraid of. Make-up artistry is a passion of mine, and this year I was really able to make it happen.
3. Shopping. I mean, this really didn’t change from before, but that doesn’t mean I enjoyed it any less.
4. Self-worth Reality. I got to see me for who I am as an individual, not who I am out of a couple. Let me tell you…I’ve probably gained a few points as an individual.
5. Making Mistakes. While I won’t go into detail, the mistakes I made this summer allowed me to understand my thought process, and the pain that doesn’t necessarily bother me daily is still there.
6. The cruise. Enough said.
7. Being more involved in activities. This was my busiest summer yet, and I loved every second of it. My wallet may not have, but I sure did.
8. Last but not least, strengthening and renewing my relationship with God. It’s like, when you know you’re in the wrong, you avert your eyes. There were a lot of things I was in the wrong for relationship-wise, and I knew it. I was trying to “wait it out” hoping that once it was righted, then I could pick back up with God where I left off. God basically gave me a “wheretheydothatat?” I know…I know.
So, those of you in jobs where you don’t really get summers off that sucks may not understand this, but before a new school year, I always reflect on the last. If this year has any of the improvements of the summer, I’m looking forward to it (figuratively…not actually. I just want to sleep in again tomorrow).
Love,
-V
I know. I know. I have too much time on my hands. (Actually I don’t.) What is the point? (Not actually sure.) This is dorky. (Might be.) But, I’m typing anyway. So here goes:
My name is Vivienne. I am a 27 year old teacher in Atlanta, and originally from Louisiana. I am a part-time makeup artist. I am also a major fan of the Sex and the City franchise. I never watched it when it was actually airing on television, but you can blame that on being a college student with no HBO. I was at the national convention of my sorority in 2004, caught it on TBS, and got Carried away.
After a conversation, my co-worker told me that I should start a blog because, inevitably, I can reference moments of SATC in our everyday conversation to make a point. Hell, I can even identify shoes by season and episode, but that’s neither here nor there. How do I even remember? I do not know…maybe we can attribute that to having never smoked weed in my life. Anyway, after a very perplexing relationship shift in a five year relationship, I started watching the episodes again as a form of free therapy. You know, “pick a random episode and see what I can pull from it to help ease my mind about xyz.”
So here it goes. It might be stupid. Hell, it might be great. Who knows? But I do know that it’ll be here on Sex and the City Psychology.
Am I looking forward to the ride? Abso-f*cking-lutely.
-V
Sex and the City Psychology 