Are Women TOO Independent?

My bookclub is supposed to be currently reading Hill Harper’s “The Conversation”. (I haven’t bought the book yet, but I’ll have it read by the time of the meeting.) During my planning period today, I was visiting my friend’s classroom, and a conversation came from another male co-worker who saw the book on the desk. We discussed some of the questions in the book, and my friend and I gave our opinions in response to why it seems like the relationships of African-Americans don’t work out. We finished the conversation and were just sitting (because we were under intruder alert…don’t ask), and all of a sudden, he dropped this bomb:

“The relationships don’t work because y’all women are too damn independent these days. You won’t let a man be a man.”

It got me to thinking – is it that simple? Is that the only reason that black relationships don’t work?

So, I got home and  watched the next Sex and the City episode, because I’m on Aidan-review (trying to be clear on the details in case I need them for the movie), and because it’s how I unwind. Men watch SportsCenter, I watch ___ (<- insert season and episode here). The next episode was Season 4’s “My Motherboard, My Self”. This is where Miranda’s mother dies from a heart attack, Carrie’s computer crashes, and Samantha loses her orgasm…though that last one probably won’t be referenced in this post.

Anyway, when Carrie’s computer “sad mac”-ed, Aidan tries to rush to her rescue. He tries to help her solve the problems, accompanies her to the repair shop, and even bought her a new computer and back up system.

Aidan tries to help

He also tried to comfort her when Miranda’s mother died and she was grieving for her friend…but she walked away.

Aidan was very angry that all his attempts at helping were rebuffed, and he ultimately walked away.

Can't get in...

Obviously, this isn’t just a state of being for African-American relationships, but it just may happen to everyone (at least the writers of this show). Then it popped in my head that what women are doing isn’t just out of bitterness or hardness, but it just may be a survival technique.

It made me remember how pissed I was a few weeks after my breakup, and I was at Wal-Mart. I was grocery shopping, and I wanted to buy bottled water. I struggled getting the 24 pack in my cart, and it dawned on me: I can’t buy this water. I won’t be able to get it into my house because I can’t lift it. I almost started to cry.

For the past five years, I’ve had someone to help me understand-lift-carry-figure out-accompany-etc…and now I don’t. When she apologized to Aidan for her bitchy-behavior, Carrie said, “…if you start helping me, and I get used to having that help…no good can come of that. What if one day you’re not around? We could fall apart…then what?”

I think that women’s “over-independence” comes out of a necessity to make it. Eventually, I’ll have to buy some got-damned bottled water. And you know what, I’ll put a suitcase in my trunk that day, and when it’s time to take it in the house, I’ll wheel it in…and whenever I get in my next relationship, my man will say “Why don’t you let me bring your water in?” but my response might be “…because I can do it.”

*shrug*…I guess just because we can do it doesn’t mean we always have to, but it’s hard to break out of something you were doing out of necessity. As women, we have to try…and as men, you can understand.

Sometimes, as a woman is making that adjustment, the only thing you can do is be there when she does need you, even when she won’t admit it 😉

Being There

What do you think (whoever you might be…I only have 3 readers, lol)?

Nevertheless, have a great day! 🙂

-Ms. V