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Chris Rock said it best in “Never Scared”…the number one reason why your girlfriend or wife is mad at you is because you “ain’t her first choice!!” Many women laughed (or chuckled under their breath) at this, because in many cases it is true. It may not remain true for always, but at some point, it may have been true.
So how do you know “The One That Got Away?” It’s the guy you think about when things are rocky. It’s the guy of whom you still have the fondest memories. And, he may not have earned the title “The One Who Got Away” because you broke up with him thinking that there was something better, or because you wronged him in some way (though this is the most common way). It could have been timing, distance, etc… I remember the moment I realized when an old friend was the one who got away. It was the night I received a text from him and he wanted to share with me his happiness that he was engaged because his then girlfriend, now wife, said yes! I was sitting next to my ex (at that point, we had been together for three years), read the text, responded with a “Congratulations friend! I’m so happy for you!!!”, went into the bathroom, and cried my little heart out.
I was hurt. I can say it was because they were engaged and I still was not. I can even say it’s because you always want to have better relationship news than any ex-whatever. But, I know it was because I knew I considered him “The One That Got Away.”
Now, I probably won’t always feel that way, but at the time I did. I had the fondest memories of us sitting in the library, studying during prime “hangout at the union” hours at my colleagiate alma mater, or him convincing me to skip class because I had such horrible cramps so he could take me out for ice cream. I even remember the horrified (yet cute) look on his face when I enlightened him on some roaches ability to fly. I could probably continue to list things that still make me smile to this day…which is even more evidence about the then impending doom. *smh*
Carrie had her “face the one who got away” moment in Season 6, running from seeing Berger only to run into the one who got away…twice. She had to face the guy who was probably the sweetest to her overall, Aidan. And his baby. And his wife. Miranda wanted to tell Steve she loved him, only to have
him let her know she didn’t have to worry about him crowding her anymore because he was dating someone else, and he “wasn’t in love with her anymore.” Even Charlotte’s big ego almost cost her Harry.
So do you have a one that got away? Were you the one that got away…i.e. Someone’s “Song Cry”? I’ve experienced both. The former sucks a lot worse than the latter.
Walking away from the life that could've been yours...
Love,
-V
I’m pretty sure that everyone – straight men included – are familiar with one of the most infamous breakup scenes in television history: The Post-It. You know the one, “I’m sorry. I can’t. Don’t hate me.” How infuriating! To do that out of nowhere when you had ample opportunity to just say what you felt face to face?
But really? Are we surprised? Should we have been? Let me let in on a tidbit of info: there was a scene that was early on in the Berger/Bradshaw relationship that pointed to this moment. I only know this because I watch commentaries of movies and tv shows that I have on dvd (don’t judge me). It was on the 1st actual phone call between Carrie and Berger. See for yourself:
See it? He’s holding post-its on phone call number one! M. P. King said, “We wanted to foreshadow the break-up.” Now, granted, Carrie didn’t know he was weilding post-its as a deadly weapon, but it is symbolic of things women do all the time. Why, as women, do we ignore neon and flashing signs that things probably won’t go the way we think? Normally, it leads to something resembling this:
Not only are you hurt, but you now have to clean up flowers off the floor. Smh…
It could be the temper that has never been turned on you. The cheating he was willing to do with you. Or, in a more dire case, the 4 kids he has by 3 different women. I’m just saying. I’m guilty of it too, but what gives ladies? No matter what we see, we’d rather just keep this image in our heads…
My mentor and I were having this conversation, and she told me that her husband made a statement that “Women, especially black women will have to raise the bar to force men back to the standards they once held for themselves. A Lysistrata-esque movement needs to happen. The problem is, women don’t trust each other enough to bond together to force men back to their rightful places.” (If you don’t know what Lysistrata is, first, shame on you, now educate yourself.) Another friend concluded, “If he was such a dumb, triffling man…how’d he manage to fool your smart a**?”
Touche.
After the end of my relationship, my first goal was to take a real look at what was, and identify my place in it. Being a ride or die chick really doesn’t help the guy improve. On one of my favorite websites to read, VSB.com, they even talked about this as a retarded relationship paradox (check out numbers 3 and 4). You expect him to learn from his mistake, yet you’ll take him back? One only learns when there is a consequence from the act.
I’m curious to know what you think. Really. I am.
Love,
-V
P.S. You can tell school is about to start back, because I have made at least two academic language references, and one literary reference. I’m not ready.
Samantha and "We" William
I find it interesting how many of us have run into this guy. He is the guy who calls just to say hi, who randomly makes reference to something that will happen in the 2013 (but includes you), who says things like “I can see us…” etc, etc, etc.
……………………………………and he is full of crap.
Of all the things that men use to get women, this is by far the most shady. At least to me.
What, or rather who, I’m referring to is the guy who sells a dream of future bliss to get into something more, um, current. It’s the guy who talks about seeing you as the mother of his children, the vacations you’ll take together, and all other manner of tomfoolery that he knows never crossed his mind. Several conversations with friends confirm that this is not a figment of my imagination, but rather a new technique. I mean honestly, poon-tang is that important to you that you will throw a future on the table? Really?
Even Samantha (who I rarely use as a reference here because I can’t really 
relate to her personally) got got by a false-future guy. William, a guy whom she met in a club when she and the girls were on a ladies’ night outing in Season 2 (They Shoot Single People, Don’t They?). During the evening with this guy, he pretty much offered her the Hampton’s house for the summer complete with anything else she could imagine. Even Carrie narrated, “She let the ‘we’ wash over her…”, so they called him “We-William.” Of course, this guy didn’t deliver past the next 15 minutes of the show.
I am a little wary of guys who start mentioning “our wedding” within the first couple of months of meeting me (This has happened more than once since I’ve become single…I have had to reacquaint myself with the man-tricks), even in jest. I always wonder what the hidden agenda is…and there usually is one. I haven’t been wrong yet. Normally, it has to do with where they prefer a woman’s underthings to be. Silly rabbits…
Have any of you met this guy? Believed this guy? Have any of you BEEN this guy? Why? No judgement sorta. Let me know.
Love,
-V
Okay, if you watch the show, you know to what this title refers (Two points if you actually do…hint, Season 3). The post doesn’t have much to do with that person, but when I think of this particular subject, that title always pops out to me.
So, an associate of mine and I were having a conversation about the next girl. You know, the girl (or guy, depending on who you are) who reaps the benefit of your blood, sweat, and tears in the relationship that failed. The ex, whoever he or she may be, gets all of these revelations that if they had had them 2 years, or 2 months, earlier, you all would have still been in bliss. She said, “I’m like Good Luck Chuck…they leave and find happily ever after. What am I doing??”
It got me to thinking about patterns in relationships. Do you find you have a pattern of “issues” in your serious relationships? Do we have patterns of partners that we choose? Even Carrie was most attracted to people she could not really understand (Big, Berger, and Petrovsky). The moments she most wanted Aida
n was when she couldn’t figure him out…when he stopped answering her calls after she told him to do so, or after she saw him and he barely acknowledged her presence at the opening of Scout. She found herself always “waiting” on them in some way. Big and his heart, Berger and his ego, Petrovsky and his work.
Another acquaintance of mine and I were having a conversation about men, women, and the cuckoo gene (that cuckoo gene copyright goes to my brother). He said, “These women are crazy! They all want to try to make me take my focus off my grind, even when I specifically tell them what my focus is. They all have the cuckoo gene!” I stopped him and said, “Wait a minute, hon. The only thing these women have in common is you.” It gave him pause.
So this leads me to my thought…how much of the issues that we encounter in our relationships do we invite? I have found that though I don’t have a “physical” type, I do have a personality “type” so to speak. I seem to be drawn to guys who are intelligent with a great sense of humor. You know, lots of personality, and who are enamored that I keep up with their humor, so they keep up with my brain. In the past few months I’ve realized that the downfall to that is I may not be getting the real person. They can hide behind their humor. So later on, when they are forced to show me the real them, I get confused. This invites issues of trust and so on. Every. Single. Time. Now, I can recognize this moreso now, and am working on how to rectify it, if possible.
What about you? Do you agree? Do you have a pattern?
Love,
-V
I’m pretty sure that most people would agree that Big was probably the guy on the show who was the least understood. His logic was not Carrie’s (or anyone else’s for that matter). The only close second was Berger, but we knew what his issue was. It was more obvious that Big’s. Big’s issue was so slick, we weren’t sure it was there at all.
Anyway, after reading this entry on Jozen’s “Until I Get Married” it made me think of “Belle of the Balls”. This was pretty much about the men of the show and their insecurities: impotence, identity, manliness, etc… Even some of the guys I’ve befriended have expressed their reluctance at being completely transparent. One guy said to me, “Well, when you tell the whole truth, everyone knows the whole truth.”
Now don’t get me wrong, I do not want men to become women, expressing their emotions and shortcomings at every given turn (women don’t even go that far, I hope). However, I would like to know what is the fear with being a little more open? A smidgen, even? It’ll probably help you out too…all of that posturing has to get tiring at some point. “Cool Pose” and all that.
What do you think?
Love,
-V
I’m Back! And I didn’t get left in Mexico, which is an added bonus.
This vacation was much needed, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I did some things I’ve never done before, including singing Karaoke, which was on my list of things to do in a year. I also did everything on my list of things to do on this vacation. I talked to a guy (I actually talked to two, but one didn’t count, because I was commenting on his t-shirt that read “Orgasm Donor”. Out of order). He sang John Legend during Karaoke, and I complimented his performance. He accepted it, and then immediately said “Hey, I wasn’t with them white girls.” I said, “A hit dog’ll holla…I didn’t say anything about that!” All good fun!
I also hit a pose…it is my favorite picture of myself thus far from the vacation. I got the perfect windblown hair across the face, not-smiling-but-happy pose. Oh sweet victory. It reminded me of when Carrie walked away from Big at the plaza, really slowly, with her hair blowing all everywhere. Well, not really, but as I typed this it does, so it’s the same difference 😉
My cousin and I sang No Doubts’ “Don’t Speak” for Karaoke. That was one of the most terrifying things I’ve ever done in my life. Thought I would pass out for a second there. The host said, “In 4 years on this boat, this is the best I’ve ever heard that song done. Wow.”
Anyway, there were plenty of Sex and the City-esque moments. They may not be major, but I did remember them to document them here, and to remind myself how completely dorky I can be.
1. They kept playing that song “Jeremiah was a bullfrog…” It is a song Carrie sang after leaving a party with a waiter after telling Big she loved him, and he did not reciprocate. Pretty sure that was season 2…
2. Only I would go to Mexico and buy nail polish and makeup…sort of like Carrie being in Abu Dhabi and buying those shoes from that stand.
3. I got away to get my mind off of someone, only to be reminded of him in several ways. Very nostalgic, but no turning back. Sort of like Carrie escaping to L.A…. though she went back eventually. That is not in my plans.
All in all, the cruise was a ton of fun, but there were instances of it where it seemed very romantic. I would most definitely do it again with someone special. In the words of Tamia, I’m looking forward “my last first kiss.” At least for now 😉 Anyway, I did a lot of thinking about the future, and a plan is forming. It is very vague now, but it is taking shape.
How did you spend your 4th? I hope it was enjoyable!
Love,
-V
"Sex and Another City"
This time tomorrow, I will be aboard a cruise ship! I am so excited and have probably overpacked a la Bradshaw, but I careth not. My cousins and I will have fun (assuming there is no hurricane threatening my trip still) and be able to get away, relax, and be really girly. It helps that it is also 4th of July weekend (so happy 4th to you all, because clearly I will be out of pocket). 😉
So, I bought a hat (I never wear hats) and have a plan for things I want to do. Are we ready? Here we go:
1. I want to start a conversation with a stranger that is not centered around my accessories, their accessories, or anybody else’s accessories.
I mean, I really want to work on this. I am a shy person. Most people don’t think this about me, but I honestly find it easier to talk to an audience than have a one-on-one conversation with someone I don’t know. So, on this cruise, I plan to start a conversation with SOMEBODY! As long as I don’t come up missing, all’s well!
2. I plan to strike a pose.
I mean a vacation pose. You know those pictures when people are lounging, looking to the side with shades on or something. At some point I plan to do one of those, and have someone take a picture of it.
3. I plan to have drinks on the deck with my cousins.
The drinks should have some sort of passion fruit sticking out of it.
4. I plan to dance.
There is really no follow-up or explanation for this one.
5. I plan to watch the view, and dream about the next phase of my life.
Dreams spark ideas. Ideas become actions. Trust me, the last part of this year will be a fool for me. In the very best of ways. This has been a rollercoaster of a year, and only now can I appreciate it. In the words of Jay, “Difficult takes a day; impossible takes a week.”
So, what are your vacation plans? I hope you have some to which you are truly looking forward.
Love,
-V
Sex and the City Psychology 