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I had absolutely nothing to write today. I was thinking hard. Because I had a great weekend celebrating my birthday, I wasn’t really focused on finding connections. And also…I was cheating on Carrie with the new love of my life – Olivia Pope. BET showed a Scandal marathon, and I got caught up in it. It was like Law and Order for a second…if I didn’t hurry and change the channel, I was going to get caught up for the next 14 hours and miss my birthday dinner, lol. But as I re-watched Season 1 on Saturday and parts of SATC2 tonight to try and find inspiration for something to write, I realized something: Carrie and Olivia have a few things in common.

carrie2satc_468x500scandal1

 

These are two seemingly very different women in exponentially different personal spheres. What could they have in common? Here is what I thought: First, they use their avenues of influence as personal therapy. Carrie’s column took the brunt of most of her “in my head” analyzing. Olivia’s relationship issues turned out to be her best advice to her clients. Everyone remembers the advice of the century to the guy who was in love with his brother’s wife…and the best line ever?

scandalstolenmoments“Stolen moments aren’t a life.”

I remember saying out loud, “Encourage yourself, girl…speak over yourself.” Then I thought…it’s very similar to what Carrie said to Aidan when he realized she was “cheating”. Cigarettes became the allegorical symbol for her infidelity.

Second, neither of them could make what they knew was right stick. How many times did both Carrie/Olivia say they were done with Big/Fitz? Eventually, Carrie and Big married, but when things got too happy and comfortable, she lived for the spice up. They made an entire storyline out of that for the Sex and the City 2 movie (Really? She was bored. That was all that happened for her in the second movie. She was bored.) For different reasons, Olivia won’t let she and Fitz get to their happily ever after. She pulls out at the end each time. I’m pretty sure this just makes the show work, but work with me here.

Third, even with the ideas of their fathers, I remember when the guy who worked with Carrie at Vogue told her she spends her whole life asking questions about men because her father left without answers (Season 4, “A Vogue Idea”). I wonder how Olivia’s relationship with Rowan affects how she interacts with guys. She couldn’t make the relationship with Edison work. You could argue that he was like Carrie’s Aidan. Additionally, you can’t refute the effect that both shows have had on women. Pope’s power is the new Carrie’s fashion. I swear when I went to DC this summer, I just wanted a white coat so I could walk around posing by things. With gloves. Totally with gloves. In a heat wave. That’s the kind of nerd I am.

scandalLastly, the thing they have most in common is that they are flawed. Very flawed. Carrie is there for her friends, she’s a successful writer, and had wonderful shoes…but she didn’t have the greatest moral compass. Same with Pope…smart and powerful with a fly wardrobe, loves the family she created at OPA, but finds it exceedingly difficult to turn away from One Minute moments. Olivia’s very emotion-filled “I don’t show up to places just because you want me,” was convincing, but short-lived. Same with Carrie’s “You can drive up this street all you want because I DON’T LIVE HERE ANYMORE!” (Season Six Part 2, “An American Girl in Paris – part une”) only to find herself laughing with him on the floor of a Parisian hotel.  That’s women. That’s people. We are flawed. We’ve announced to the world, our friends, or at least to ourselves that we are done with some person/place/thing only to answer a text, be caught in an Instagram photo, or have it in our hands again. we mess up. Maybe not on the scales that get to be discussed incessantly by bystanders who claim they’d NEVER be in that situation, but we do.

I couldn’t help but draw comparisons between two of the most discussed woman characters on television of past and present. I love both of the women, but I appreciate that the characters are flawed. That’s life. Big had to travel to Paris and Fitz had to wait out a clock, but the stories and cycles are similar.  I’m curious as to how Pope and Fitz’ stories will turn out. Carrie got married and her happy (ish) ending, but I doubt Shonda will let it be tied up with that pretty a bow.

Come on October 3rd.

Do you watch Scandal? Do you see any other comparisons? Shout ’em out.

Love,

-V

On last Thursday (not yesterday), I went to a Ru Sans for lunch because I wanted Asian food. I didn’t know that they did a buffet, so I got the fried rice I wanted, broccoli, and an endless supply of sushi…my Nook and I were ready for a pretty nice afternoon. I took a small booth near the door, and prepared to read and eat.

There was a couple sitting to my side and a bit behind me. Because of our close proximity, I could make out their conversation, but I was trying to be engrossed in my book. However, there was a strand of dialogue that perked my ears, “He just doesn’t get me.”

Maybe it was the tone of her voice that made it stand out. Maybe it was the “he” pronoun when she was already there with a guy. It kind of made me chuckle like, “Someone is about to get broken up with.” His response was, “I completely understand. I’ve felt alone with her for the past two months.” My reaction turned from the chuckle to an “uh-oh….” I listened to them hash out their earnest complaints and desires about the person to whom they were committed. He played video games with a headset on for hours while ignoring the flesh and blood person sitting in his living room. She didn’t make the effort to give him to type of love he wants. And right when I was about to be lost in my book again, I heard her say “husband”.

My immediate thought was, “Molly…..you in danger, girl.” Unbeknownst, or maybe even beknownst (can you be beknownst? How can you just add random prefixes to words that don’t stand alone? Sorry…anyway……) to her, she was setting herself up for an affair. This communal gripe session was giving root to the allowance of those feelings being watered elsewhere. I wondered if they could see it coming. I wondered if they prepared for it in advance. I wondered if they had made the decision to cheat.

samanthaRichardAtlanticCityIt makes me think of Carrie and Aidan, the second go round in Season 4 (“Time and Punishment”). Or Samantha and Richard’s round 2 in Season 5 in Atlantic City (“Luck Be an Old Lady”). Or Charlotte, Harry, and the nanny in the Sex and City 2 movie. All of these were differing levels of the possibility of infidelity, and at some point, someone saw it coming. Notice I didn’tnanny mention the Carrie/Aidan/Big fiasco of Season 3. Big may have known his intentions, but for all intents and purposes, Carrie was a bit caught off guard. She tried her best to avoid him until she got thrown up against an elevator wall, lol. When Aidan was annoyed that Big was still around, he started hanging out with the female bartender (who obviously knew about her) and got very close to the “inappropriate” line. Samantha and Richard might’ve been a self-fulfilling prophecy because Samantha couldn’t let go of his past indiscretion, and was just waiting for it to happen again by side-eyeing every waitress and cleaning girl. Charlotte never considered the possibility that Harry would step out on her because she trusted him (still my favorite couple!), until her friends planted the idea, and then it was all she could see.

My point is this: at some point there is a moment of recognition and a moment of escape. Carrie called Aidan out on it so they could have the actual forgiveness conversation; Samantha cut her losses before that shoe hit the ground; and Charlotte…well she over-analyzed it while in Abu Dhabi but ultimately trusted her husband because the root of her issue didn’t stem from him, but from her friends warning her about the “Jude Law” (at least I think so. I didn’t like the second movie, so I didn’t watch it as much. I totally hope that’s what happened).

I remember being saddened once I found out she was married…that girl in the restaurant. I was discussing this with two of my closest friends, and decided that I wanted to warn her in some way. I wanted her to not become what she would despise. I was writing it on a napkin…”be careful.” I turned around to see how to give it to her, and they were gone. Who knows where. I hope they were going to have these conversations with someone else…their significant others (hopefully)… counselors… Iyanla… somebody! I didn’t want those two friends talk to give way to action that was not-so-friendly.

But I will tell you what I learned from the show and this situation – a lesson from each.

  1. Call it like you see it…you might even get some true forgiveness out of it.
  2. Know when to hold ’em, and know when to fold ’em. (this is not about towels)
  3. You should probably only trust details of your relationship to people who care as much about IT prospering as you do. This is different from people who care about you. Those can be opposites.

So what would you do if faced with the same situation, in any perspective? I’m curious. Let me know.

Love,

-V

DISCLAIMER: Anyone that I have ever dated, please don’t take this personally if/when you read this. It isn’t personal…I’m actually trying to be objective. I’m not sure that I am saying anything offensive, but if I am, that isn’t the intent. K? Thanks. –mgmt.

There must be "closed-offedness" coming from the heels or the hair...

I have found that I attract a certain type of guy. They are very different fundamentally, but they generally have a small set of things in common. My common core, if you will. They aren’t physical attributes, but skill/talent attributes.

They are funny, are skilled with the written word, and know how to run game because they claim to be are reformed hos.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that every guy I’ve dealt with has run game on me (I’m not NOT saying that either…just to be clear); I’m simply saying that the ability for him to do so was present in his skill set. I have never been able to be with someone who could not make me laugh. As an English teacher, I obviously am fond of language. But, this running game thing is different. I’m realizing that it is a weird mix of the previous two; a hybrid of a comedian and a wordsmith.

Carrie was similar. Every guy she saw herself with for real was closed to her in someway. The only person who wasn’t was Aidan, and look how well that worked out. Big was closed with his feelings, Berger was closed with his masculinity, and Petrovsky was closed with his ideas and ability to compromise. It is obvious that Carrie loved “The Chase” which she even referenced while dating Aidan and why she felt so uncomfortable. She said, “No, it’s just, well, it’s just, it feels odd. You know, I’m used to the hunt, and this is effortless. It’s, just, it’s freaking me out” (Season 3, “Drama Queens”). So, it’s obvious what her issues her.

What the heck are mine? What about me is attracting game runners? I’m a very direct person, so I’m not engaging in verbal wrestling. I don’t have a vast relationship past or history. What is it??

Do you have a type that seems to gravitate your way?

I hope you’ve been doing well in the past month. My birthday is this Saturday coming up, so I am excited that my family is coming to visit!

Love,

–V

"She can reach me, but I can't get her..."

Lately, (and by lately I mean the past month of so) I feel like I have been in a certain episode of Sex and the City, “Belles of the Balls” (I   have also felt like I was in Lean on Me, but that’s another post for another blog. Oh well, Summer vacation started at 2:31pm. YESSSSS…..). Every guy I know, or every girl who is in a relationship, has been discussing emotions. More specifically, the discussion has been on guys’ emotions. What is making the Y-chromosome ooze with sensitivity these days?

Carrie (Season 4) experienced this when Aidan felt “some kinda way” when Big called her late at night to discuss his movie star girlfriend, and even more so once Big’s heart was so broken that he felt it necessary to drive to Suffern, NY just to talk to Carrie about it. Aidan compared Big to Batman, and himself to the Green Lantern, just to deal. Obviously, a battle of the balls egos ensued. Miranda was dealing with Steve’s dodging the testicular cancer bullet, only to be sidelined because he felt uncomfortable having a single scrotum. He wanted to go as far as to have a implant testicle, until the doctor revealed that it hadn’t been cleared. My favorite Miranda line after Steve said it should be safe? “That what they said about the Ford…You want a Pinto near your penis?” I guess that visual made him re-think, lol. Charlotte’s issues dealt with Trey’s ED, while Samantha’s dealt with injustice in hiring because of her activities as a female. Just shenanigans all around.

The more specific real-life example is about recovery time. Recovery time is the time it takes a person who is mid-fight in a relationship to pull it together in front of others. The females (and I) think that if “real life” comes calling, we have to suck it up and deal with business. Every single guy was like “Aw hell naw! You not gonna be mad at me, and then laugh and joke with others. If you mad, you better stay mad the whole time.”

That was astounding. Women generally felt like the major factor was that if business has to be handled, it is not anyone else’s business what is going on in the relationship. Men said that it seems like if we have too quick of a recovery time, it may indicate a lack of caring in general…not just about the situation or fight, but about him. Even my boyfriend agreed. (Yep, I have one…:) ) I even distinctly remember that being a concern with all of the women at work about how if they show an inkling of emotion at work, they are ridiculed for it. Remember that? “Ooh be careful, don’t make Charlotte cry!”

Wow.

It is still something I can’t quite grasp. Guys, do you feel this way? Ladies, are you with them on this? I’d like to know.

Here’s some music while you think it out…lol

Love,

–V

P.S. I’m going on vacation soon…I’m too excited about it!

FYI (since I talked about it last week)…today would’ve been my six year anniversary. Um…in the words of Jay-Z, that “only gets half a bar…” (I only really remember this because I have a great memory. I found a girl I went to elementary school with in the checkout line at Kroger the other day. I literally have not seen her, or a picture of her since 1993.)

Anyway, this past weekend I took a mini-vacation with my friends. We went to Panama City Beach and truly had a wonderful time. The lack of posting was due to all the schoolwork I needed to do during the week to be able to take off the weekend. It was wonderful. We jet-skiied. We parasailed (which was made of awesome). We went to the beach at the crack of dawn (yeah, I wasn’t happy about that one), played The Michael Jackson Experience on Wii, and came back playing Phase 10.

Sunset after Parasailing...God is the best artist.

Anyway, we do what we do best: talk. We have conversation after conversation. Some of it is silly yet profound, like using Finding Nemo as the basis to why women aren’t submissive, and why some parents seem to baby or attempt to enable their kids instead of preparing them for the future (Yeah, this conversation really happened). Sometimes it’s Pinky and the Brain – our attempt to take over the world (for the better…improve it and whatnot). Often it’s about our faith, but a lot of the time it is about relationships.

We had this conversation about attitudes and relationships. One of my friends is of the opinion that women, people in general but mostly women, only have their hard-edged attitudes because they are not with their 11. I, at least currently, think that my mindset shapes my attitude or lack thereof. Do all of our theories on relationships only apply because we haven’t met a person to supersede our ideals, or would they be there regardless because of mentality? Is it the man, or the mirror? Hmm…

Remember this convo?

Carrie: Do you remember how Big used to keep me away from his mother, like I was some kind of leper?
Miranda: I remember.
Carrie: And how pissed it used to make me?
Miranda: I remember!
Carrie: Well now, Aidan’s offering up both his parents on a silver platter, and I’m not sure I want to meet them.

Carrie did this in her first go round with Aidan (Season 3, “Drama Queens). She was very weird with him for a time, and it’s mostly because the mentality created by Big and a bevy of other failed relationships conditioned her to be used to “the chase”. With him, at that time, it’s was nothing but calm seas and not a cloud in sight. He wanted her to meet his parents, and she thought that it was too much, too soon. Is this really her inner self telling her that he was not “The One”, or her conditioning that if she tries for this, she’ll only end up hurt like she was with Big (who was completely uncomfortable with the thought of her and his mother sharing the same air).

It’s a crapshoot for me, but I’m leaning towards mental conditioning rather than the man. What say you?

Love,

–V

Chris Rock said it best in “Never Scared”…the number one reason why your girlfriend or wife is mad at you is because you “ain’t her first choice!!” Many women laughed (or chuckled under their breath) at this, because in many cases it is true. It may not remain true for always, but at some point, it may have been true.

So how do you know “The One That Got Away?” It’s the guy you think about when things are rocky. It’s the guy of whom you still have the fondest memories. And, he may not have earned the title “The One Who Got Away” because you broke up with him thinking that there was something better, or because you wronged him in some way (though this is the most common way). It could have been timing, distance, etc… I remember the moment I realized when an old friend was the one who got away. It was the night I received a text from him and he wanted to share with me his happiness that he was engaged because his then girlfriend, now wife, said yes! I was sitting next to my ex (at that point, we had been together for three years), read the text, responded with a “Congratulations friend! I’m so happy for you!!!”, went into the bathroom, and cried my little heart out.

I was hurt. I can say it was because they were engaged and I still was not. I can even say it’s because you always want to have better relationship news than any ex-whatever. But, I know it was because I knew I considered him “The One That Got Away.”

Now, I probably won’t always feel that way, but at the time I did. I had the fondest memories of us sitting in the library, studying during prime “hangout at the union” hours at my colleagiate alma mater, or him convincing me to skip class because I had such horrible cramps so he could take me out for ice cream. I even remember the horrified (yet cute) look on his face when I enlightened him on some roaches ability to fly. I could probably continue to list things that still make me smile to this day…which is even more evidence about the then impending doom. *smh*

Carrie had her “face the one who got away” moment in Season 6, running from seeing Berger only to run into the one who got away…twice. She had to face the guy who was probably the sweetest to her overall, Aidan. And his baby. And his wife. Miranda wanted to tell Steve she loved him, only to have him let her know she didn’t have to worry about him crowding her anymore because he was dating someone else, and he “wasn’t in love with her anymore.” Even Charlotte’s big ego almost cost her Harry.

So do you have a one that got away? Were you the one that got away…i.e. Someone’s “Song Cry”? I’ve experienced both. The former sucks a lot worse than the latter.

Walking away from the life that could've been yours...

Love,

-V

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