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I had absolutely nothing to write today. I was thinking hard. Because I had a great weekend celebrating my birthday, I wasn’t really focused on finding connections. And also…I was cheating on Carrie with the new love of my life – Olivia Pope. BET showed a Scandal marathon, and I got caught up in it. It was like Law and Order for a second…if I didn’t hurry and change the channel, I was going to get caught up for the next 14 hours and miss my birthday dinner, lol. But as I re-watched Season 1 on Saturday and parts of SATC2 tonight to try and find inspiration for something to write, I realized something: Carrie and Olivia have a few things in common.
These are two seemingly very different women in exponentially different personal spheres. What could they have in common? Here is what I thought: First, they use their avenues of influence as personal therapy. Carrie’s column took the brunt of most of her “in my head” analyzing. Olivia’s relationship issues turned out to be her best advice to her clients. Everyone remembers the advice of the century to the guy who was in love with his brother’s wife…and the best line ever?
“Stolen moments aren’t a life.”
I remember saying out loud, “Encourage yourself, girl…speak over yourself.” Then I thought…it’s very similar to what Carrie said to Aidan when he realized she was “cheating”. Cigarettes became the allegorical symbol for her infidelity.
Second, neither of them could make what they knew was right stick. How many times did both Carrie/Olivia say they were done with Big/Fitz? Eventually, Carrie and Big married, but when things got too happy and comfortable, she lived for the spice up. They made an entire storyline out of that for the Sex and the City 2 movie (Really? She was bored. That was all that happened for her in the second movie. She was bored.) For different reasons, Olivia won’t let she and Fitz get to their happily ever after. She pulls out at the end each time. I’m pretty sure this just makes the show work, but work with me here.
Third, even with the ideas of their fathers, I remember when the guy who worked with Carrie at Vogue told her she spends her whole life asking questions about men because her father left without answers (Season 4, “A Vogue Idea”). I wonder how Olivia’s relationship with Rowan affects how she interacts with guys. She couldn’t make the relationship with Edison work. You could argue that he was like Carrie’s Aidan. Additionally, you can’t refute the effect that both shows have had on women. Pope’s power is the new Carrie’s fashion. I swear when I went to DC this summer, I just wanted a white coat so I could walk around posing by things. With gloves. Totally with gloves. In a heat wave. That’s the kind of nerd I am.
Lastly, the thing they have most in common is that they are flawed. Very flawed. Carrie is there for her friends, she’s a successful writer, and had wonderful shoes…but she didn’t have the greatest moral compass. Same with Pope…smart and powerful with a fly wardrobe, loves the family she created at OPA, but finds it exceedingly difficult to turn away from One Minute moments. Olivia’s very emotion-filled “I don’t show up to places just because you want me,” was convincing, but short-lived. Same with Carrie’s “You can drive up this street all you want because I DON’T LIVE HERE ANYMORE!” (Season Six Part 2, “An American Girl in Paris – part une”) only to find herself laughing with him on the floor of a Parisian hotel. That’s women. That’s people. We are flawed. We’ve announced to the world, our friends, or at least to ourselves that we are done with some person/place/thing only to answer a text, be caught in an Instagram photo, or have it in our hands again. we mess up. Maybe not on the scales that get to be discussed incessantly by bystanders who claim they’d NEVER be in that situation, but we do.
I couldn’t help but draw comparisons between two of the most discussed woman characters on television of past and present. I love both of the women, but I appreciate that the characters are flawed. That’s life. Big had to travel to Paris and Fitz had to wait out a clock, but the stories and cycles are similar. I’m curious as to how Pope and Fitz’ stories will turn out. Carrie got married and her happy (ish) ending, but I doubt Shonda will let it be tied up with that pretty a bow.
Come on October 3rd.
Do you watch Scandal? Do you see any other comparisons? Shout ’em out.
Love,
-V
Last night when I was trying to find something to write, my boyfriend suggested that I watch an episode to see if it sparked anything. (Seriously? Made of awesome. I know.) While getting one idea, something else jumped out at me: Carrie’s relationship with her Vogue editor, Enid Frick (Season 4, “A Vogue Idea”).
Enid seemed to be very withdrawn, only focused on work, and not very polite. She even got mad at Carrie once for not telling her she invited her sometime-man…something that Carrie would’ve had no way of knowing because she and Enid had not really developed a personal relationship. It got me to thinking about Work relationships.
Unless your last name is Gates, Winfrey, or Zuckerberg…odds are you probably have to go to work tomorrow. Hopefully you love your job (I love my career). However, no matter how much you love your job, there’s probably one person there who works your nerves. They either don’t appreciate your professionalism (or lack thereof). They don’t like how un- or overly social you are. Your natural overachieving nature or simple mediocrity grinds their gears. All without you even trying or caring. Sometimes you try to make that relationship improve…other times you just focus on making sure you do your job and do it well.
School starts back next week, and my one work friend – the friend that I have who jumped out of the “work friend” boat to simply friend (the work is only there so if I’m telling a story, people who don’t know her name still know exactly to whom I’m referring) – got a new job all of a sudden. It was a promotion, and while I’m ecstatic for her……it dimmed the bulb of returning. My response, especially when you tend to be in a highly gossip-y environment, is to stay to yourself. Even then, the gossip goes: is she anti-social? Is she hiding something? Does she hate us? I mean, you can’t win sometimes, it only depends on whose doing the talking to what the story will be.
And this isn’t specific to just work. It can apply to any place where you have to have a working relationship for a common goal. Whether it’s church, social clubs, mutual friends…it happens everywhere. (And if it hasn’t happened…trust me…you’re working someone’s nerves and they haven’t admitted it, lol.) How do you address it? Carrie tried to be overly polite to Enid even when it was never returned unless she needed or wanted something. I, on the other hand, focus on whatever the “work” is and try to disregard anything that doesn’t affect that. What do you do? Let me know 🙂
Love,
-V
Now as I was saying yesterday before I realized I was honing in on 100 posts, I had something prepared to write on yesterday. I’m the kind of person who notices weird things about other people. The cadences in their speech. Crazy preferences. All of that. Once after my boyfriend and I went to Chipotle, I noticed that he was studying his tortilla chips before he ate them. I thought maybe he was looking for the curved side – you know, to put the bite from his bowl in, like Scoops (See what I did there?…lol, inside joke). Once that option was out, I was wondering if he was looking for cracks in the chips so he wouldn’t cut his tongue but I knew that was a long shot. Finally, I said “WHAT…are you doing?” He paused and said, “Um…I’m looking for the salted side. Who wants the unsalted side to hit their tongue? The salt would just mix in with the food. I want salt, chip, and then burrito bowl.” I was tickled, yet it made perfect sense.
This made me think about SSBs… Secret Single Behavior (Season 4, “The Good Fight”). In the words of Carrie Bradshaw, your SSBs are habits you have that you would “never want your boyfriend to see you do.” Carrie’s was making a stack of Saltines, putting grape jelly on them, and then eating them standing up in the kitchen while reading fashion magazines. I’m pretty sure I’ve discussed SSBs before, but never having noticed one in the person I was with. I have always wondered about the things it takes awhile for me to do in front of another…especially someone who means something to me. I couldn’t think of anything in particular. (And farting doesn’t count. Everyone does that.)
While typing on yesterday, my boyfriend was sitting next to me and said out of nowhere, “THAT’S YOU?” I was confused. I had a weird look. He said, “You’re making that bass noise.” That’s when I realized something I’ve known but never paid attention to: I read my words in a sort of out loud whisper in a very deep baritone. He said, “I’ve been trying to figure out what that was for the past 3 minutes!” We cracked up.
It’s awesomely great that I can feel awkwardly comfortable with my boyfriend. I’ve been in relationships where I had to fake some part of myself to ensure that the boat didn’t rock. I’m glad this is no longer the case. I probably could’ve added this to yesterdays “Keeping it 100” post…but hey, I’d need something to write today. Six days in for the #31WriteNow, Luvvie…oh yeah!
Do you have SSBs? Have you ever felt comfortable enough to share them? Talk to me 🙂
Love,
-V
On last Thursday (not yesterday), I went to a Ru Sans for lunch because I wanted Asian food. I didn’t know that they did a buffet, so I got the fried rice I wanted, broccoli, and an endless supply of sushi…my Nook and I were ready for a pretty nice afternoon. I took a small booth near the door, and prepared to read and eat.
There was a couple sitting to my side and a bit behind me. Because of our close proximity, I could make out their conversation, but I was trying to be engrossed in my book. However, there was a strand of dialogue that perked my ears, “He just doesn’t get me.”
Maybe it was the tone of her voice that made it stand out. Maybe it was the “he” pronoun when she was already there with a guy. It kind of made me chuckle like, “Someone is about to get broken up with.” His response was, “I completely understand. I’ve felt alone with her for the past two months.” My reaction turned from the chuckle to an “uh-oh….” I listened to them hash out their earnest complaints and desires about the person to whom they were committed. He played video games with a headset on for hours while ignoring the flesh and blood person sitting in his living room. She didn’t make the effort to give him to type of love he wants. And right when I was about to be lost in my book again, I heard her say “husband”.
My immediate thought was, “Molly…..you in danger, girl.” Unbeknownst, or maybe even beknownst (can you be beknownst? How can you just add random prefixes to words that don’t stand alone? Sorry…anyway……) to her, she was setting herself up for an affair. This communal gripe session was giving root to the allowance of those feelings being watered elsewhere. I wondered if they could see it coming. I wondered if they prepared for it in advance. I wondered if they had made the decision to cheat.
It makes me think of Carrie and Aidan, the second go round in Season 4 (“Time and Punishment”). Or Samantha and Richard’s round 2 in Season 5 in Atlantic City (“Luck Be an Old Lady”). Or Charlotte, Harry, and the nanny in the Sex and City 2 movie. All of these were differing levels of the possibility of infidelity, and at some point, someone saw it coming. Notice I didn’t
mention the Carrie/Aidan/Big fiasco of Season 3. Big may have known his intentions, but for all intents and purposes, Carrie was a bit caught off guard. She tried her best to avoid him until she got thrown up against an elevator wall, lol. When Aidan was annoyed that Big was still around, he started hanging out with the female bartender (who obviously knew about her) and got very close to the “inappropriate” line. Samantha and Richard might’ve been a self-fulfilling prophecy because Samantha couldn’t let go of his past indiscretion, and was just waiting for it to happen again by side-eyeing every waitress and cleaning girl. Charlotte never considered the possibility that Harry would step out on her because she trusted him (still my favorite couple!), until her friends planted the idea, and then it was all she could see.
My point is this: at some point there is a moment of recognition and a moment of escape. Carrie called Aidan out on it so they could have the actual forgiveness conversation; Samantha cut her losses before that shoe hit the ground; and Charlotte…well she over-analyzed it while in Abu Dhabi but ultimately trusted her husband because the root of her issue didn’t stem from him, but from her friends warning her about the “Jude Law” (at least I think so. I didn’t like the second movie, so I didn’t watch it as much. I totally hope that’s what happened).
I remember being saddened once I found out she was married…that girl in the restaurant. I was discussing this with two of my closest friends, and decided that I wanted to warn her in some way. I wanted her to not become what she would despise. I was writing it on a napkin…”be careful.” I turned around to see how to give it to her, and they were gone. Who knows where. I hope they were going to have these conversations with someone else…their significant others (hopefully)… counselors… Iyanla… somebody! I didn’t want those two friends talk to give way to action that was not-so-friendly.
But I will tell you what I learned from the show and this situation – a lesson from each.
- Call it like you see it…you might even get some true forgiveness out of it.
- Know when to hold ’em, and know when to fold ’em. (this is not about towels)
- You should probably only trust details of your relationship to people who care as much about IT prospering as you do. This is different from people who care about you. Those can be opposites.
So what would you do if faced with the same situation, in any perspective? I’m curious. Let me know.
Love,
-V
First of all, Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you enjoyed time with family and loved ones. Now, something has happened that I consider a personal failure. I’ve betrayed myself, and there is no excuse for it.
*deep sigh*
I’ve joined Twitter.
This is like when Carrie signed up for email after saying it was unnecessary. (Season 4)
I’m so ashamed…follow me though, lol.
@SATCPsych
Love,
–V
P.S. I’m updating from my phone. Aren’t I just savvy all around?
Okay, so remember a while back – some time around April I believe – when I mentioned that I had a boyfriend? Well, it didn’t work out. He was, um, otherwise engaged…amongst a bunch of other Eminem stuff (Eminem…shady…see what I did there? lol). It is for the best; it lasted all of two months officially, even though we were seeing each other for about 10 months before then. The good thing is that my niece said it doesn’t count anyway because she never met him or knew his name…bonus!
A friend of mine said, “Really? Two months? And weren’t you on a whole other continent for two of those months? So technically, it was a month and a week! I mean, wow…didn’t you know it wouldn’t work? I figured it wouldn’t.” (Most people did…only 3 ever said anything of the sort.) Now, this whole thing isn’t about him, but rather was a point that reminds me of something I was talking to my current beau about ( 😉 …hey babe *blush*), and a post on VerySmartBrothas about a cheating spectrum, and it got me to thinking about lying.
It’s no secret that lies are one of the major dismembering factors in relationships, but are all lies created equal? My boyfriend and I were discussing how lies of omission are viewed because how deceptive they can be. I can say that this relationship has probably started the mostly honest-ly of any relationship I’ve ever been a part of, so we discuss a lot. And, because we started as friends (like seriously, I never would have seen it coming), there are certain aspects of our lives that we were privy to already as friends, so you can hold it back once it has moved to a relationship.
My question becomes one of “Is there a magnitude or caliber of lying that is wholly seen as permissible, while the opposite end is likely to find someone in a hospital?” Samantha caught Richard eating another woman’s…er…sushi (“I Heart NY”, Season 4). She papered his neighborhood and threw a drink in his face………but ultimately returned to the relationship. I have another friend who found out her boyfriend actually gets off work 2 hours before he told her he did, and she ended the relationship and never looked back. When I asked why, her response was “If he is lying about this, then we are starting off with problems. I’m not about to stick around to see what the **** they are. If he needed two hours he couldn’t tell me about, what the hell was he planning to do with them?” Touche.
I remember the moment I knew it wasn’t going to work with the person who can be commonly regarded as my ex. (But for future reference, if I say Ex on this blog, 9 times out of 10, I’m referring to the 5 year relationship of over a year ago…or whenever it was…yeah, a year.) It was way before I knew anything else was happening, and it was simple. A little before Easter, we were at his apartment watching “The Wood”. There is a moment in this movie where the two childhood sweethearts were planning to give their virginities to each other, but the only condom present ripped. The female instructed the main character to grab another one out of her brother Stacy’s room. Well, Stacy comes home with his girlfriend, he has to hide with the condom, the girl goes ballistic because there is a condom missing and she had counted his stash the last time she was there. Stacy couldn’t explain it to her, and they leave arguing.
While we were watching, he said, “That’s so stupid. I would’ve just said, ‘I gave one to my homeboy, Boo.'” o_O.
I said, “Ummmmmmmmm…………what????”
“Yeah. I’d just blame it on him. It’s easier than trying to explain. And whatever I said would sound like a lie anyway, so I’d just lie to keep the peace.”
Our conversation after that was a continuous dialogue about the lying being wrong (or not), and I remembered that I brought it up to at least 3 groups of people. Now, granted, it was an interesting conversation starter, and everyone we discussed it with found it interesting. But honestly, I never let it go. The ease with which he created the plausible and logical lie always bothered me. Had I followed my gut in that moment, I probably would have experienced less drama (because the kid really doesn’t do drama).
Richard Wright has plausible and logical lies. The woman he was meeting for lunch was a business associate. So where do you forgive, or just say forget it?
My thing is, I don’t need to be performing mid-day secret ops in a wig and glasses before I decide we are NOT together. So what is your lying curve? Anything is a deal-breaker, or wait until it’s a bigger deal? Is not telling that you still talk to an ex on a semi-regular basis the same as planning your wedding while you have a date? Because it is all wrong. Let me know, lol.
Love,
–V
P.S. Here’s Ne-Yo’s take on it…(I love the writing…hate the message…but I get it also. It’s a conundrum.)
"She can reach me, but I can't get her..."
Lately, (and by lately I mean the past month of so) I feel like I have been in a certain episode of Sex and the City, “Belles of the Balls” (I have also felt like I was in Lean on Me, but that’s another post for another blog. Oh well, Summer vacation started at 2:31pm. YESSSSS…..). Every guy I know, or every girl who is in a relationship, has been discussing emotions. More specifically, the discussion has been on guys’ emotions. What is making the Y-chromosome ooze with sensitivity these days?
Carrie (Season 4) experienced this when Aidan felt “some kinda way” when Big called her late at night to discuss his movie star girlfriend, and even more so once Big’s heart was so broken that he felt it necessary to drive to Suffern, NY just to talk to Carrie about it. Aidan compared Big to Batman, and himself to the Green Lantern, just to deal. Obviously, a battle of the balls egos ensued. Miranda was dealing with Steve’s dodging the testicular cancer bullet, only to be sidelined because he felt uncomfortable having a single scrotum. He wanted to go as far as to have a implant testicle, until the doctor revealed that it hadn’t been cleared. My favorite Miranda line after Steve said it should be safe? “That what they said about the Ford…You want a Pinto near your penis?” I guess that visual made him re-think, lol. Charlotte’s issues dealt with Trey’s ED, while Samantha’s dealt with injustice in hiring because of her activities as a female. Just shenanigans all around.
The more specific real-life example is about recovery time. Recovery time is the time it takes a person who is mid-fight in a relationship to pull it together in front of others. The females (and I) think that if “real life” comes calling, we have to suck it up and deal with business. Every single guy was like “Aw hell naw! You not gonna be mad at me, and then laugh and joke with others. If you mad, you better stay mad the whole time.”
That was astounding. Women generally felt like the major factor was that if business has to be handled, it is not anyone else’s business what is going on in the relationship. Men said that it seems like if we have too quick of a recovery time, it may indicate a lack of caring in general…not just about the situation or fight, but about him. Even my boyfriend agreed. (Yep, I have one…:) ) I even distinctly remember that being a concern with all of the women at work about how if they show an inkling of emotion at work, they are ridiculed for it. Remember that? “Ooh be careful, don’t make Charlotte cry!”
Wow.
It is still something I can’t quite grasp. Guys, do you feel this way? Ladies, are you with them on this? I’d like to know.
Here’s some music while you think it out…lol
Love,
–V
P.S. I’m going on vacation soon…I’m too excited about it!
Man is not meant to live alone. It is also my opinion that man is not meant to be around the humans for 100% of his time either. I have been going at an accelerated pace for a few weeks now…rarely having time alone unless there was toilet paper present (Note: this can also mean shower…toilet paper is present in the same vicinity when you shower. Don’t just jump straight to the #2).
This past weekend, besides climbing a mountain ( 😦 ), I had a bunch of plans. It was my friend’s birthday (Shoutout Danielle! Woooo!), I had a soror in town, another friend’s birthday celebration, and was supposed to get together with a third friend later on. Well, to make a long story short, 3 out of the 4 events either did not happen, or did not happen as planned, which left me with a pretty free Saturday night.
My first thought was to attempt to fill it with something else, but nothing worked. So, I went home. And sat there. And read. And slept. And it was fan-frickin’-tastic.
We need that time alone. It’s that time that helps to replenish us. We get an opportunity to reflect or rest, pray or sing, or simply stare at our own cuticles for 30 minutes just because we feel like it.
In Season 4 (“Just Say Yes”), Aidan moved in with Carrie after her apartment went co-op. I’m willing to argue that she ultimately said yes because she had something to lose by saying no (her place to live). Ultimately, he wanted to marry her. Her initial response was ”I’m not ready to get engaged yet, but I love you and I wanna live with you.” Even once it happened, she still was not happy. She had an issue with his greeting technique. She had to ask for him not to talk to her when she walked through the door. She simply wanted to be alone.
I may be going through that phase right now. Since I have had an opportunity to slow up a bit, I am perfectly content in my alone-ness. I get to do the things that you can only do when you are home alone: the SSBs – Secret Single Behaviors (Carrie discussed this in the next episode, “The Good Fight”). When discussing her own, she said, “I like to make a stack of saltines. I put grape jelly on them. I eat them standing up in the kitchen reading fashion magazines” (which, admittedly, is weird). For me, I like to walk through my house, straightening up in my underclothes. I can watch hours of youtube videos on how to do random beauty tasks, like fingernail designs or threading eyebrows (WHICH I have gotten pretty good at by the way).
This alone time is necessary, but how long do you go with it before you offend those who want some of your time? Because I’m pretty happy with me, myself, and I right now. Had Charlotte acknowledged her need to be alone, she wouldn’t have cracked over some icing on a vintage skirt. 🙂
What do you think? And, what is your SSB?
Love,
-V
"What the heck am I doing?"
You know when you meet someone who is just “alright”? Intelligent enough to not make you crack jokes on him in your head while trying not to roll your eyes in real life; attractive enough to be seen with him in a restaurant; interesting enough to keep you laughing; all the while you are not foreseeing anything resembling seriousness.
This does not, however, stop you fromt wanting to throw yourself at him on a random Tuesday for no apparent reason. It doesn’t even make sense to your own self. It happens to the best of us folks. I think I’ve figured it out possibly, maybe…well, not really. It’s because he has what we good old HBCU graduates call a “mouthpiece”. He knows how to string a few words together that sound good enough to be tempting, but not too much to get a “boy, please.” Whatever his thing is…aloofness, silliness, seriousness…he uses it just enough to pique your interest, and your mind does the rest.
Carrie Bradshaw had several of these. Vince Vaughn played an “agent” who turned out to be a personal assistant, but had just enough game to rope her in. So did the politician in Season 2…until he wanted to pee on her. Noticing a pattern. Generally, this guy may have some issue that his game covers up. So ladies, be afraid…be very afraid. Trust me…I know.
Love,
-V
I’m pretty sure that most people would agree that Big was probably the guy on the show who was the least understood. His logic was not Carrie’s (or anyone else’s for that matter). The only close second was Berger, but we knew what his issue was. It was more obvious that Big’s. Big’s issue was so slick, we weren’t sure it was there at all.
Anyway, after reading this entry on Jozen’s “Until I Get Married” it made me think of “Belle of the Balls”. This was pretty much about the men of the show and their insecurities: impotence, identity, manliness, etc… Even some of the guys I’ve befriended have expressed their reluctance at being completely transparent. One guy said to me, “Well, when you tell the whole truth, everyone knows the whole truth.”
Now don’t get me wrong, I do not want men to become women, expressing their emotions and shortcomings at every given turn (women don’t even go that far, I hope). However, I would like to know what is the fear with being a little more open? A smidgen, even? It’ll probably help you out too…all of that posturing has to get tiring at some point. “Cool Pose” and all that.
What do you think?
Love,
-V
Sex and the City Psychology 