You are currently browsing the monthly archive for September 2010.

*sigh*

I would really rather write about anything else right now, but nothing else is coming to mind (probably because this is the only thing on my mind).

A friend of mine once told me that one of the scariest things in the world to her as a child was the monkey bars. When I asked her to expound upon this, she said, “The monkey bars provided you with exhilirating options about what you would experience; however, you had to let go of the lower bars just to get up there. Scariest thing I remember…just letting go.”

In Season 5 (“Catch”), Carrie was researching a new “singles” activity, the

"...I Can't!!"

 flying trapeze. Once she did something a little out of her comfort zone, she became hooked! What she couldn’t do was let go of the bar to reach out and catch the hands of another. It was too far past what she was comfortable. She attempted twice, and she refused to take her hands off the bar. It got me to thinking about the next relationship, friendship, job offer, etc… Why is it hard to let go of the bar?

A friend of mine has been very, um, clear…yeah, we’ll go with clear…about what his intentions are towards me. He has done the nicest things, been a good person, and seems to be forthright…but I have a vice grip on that bar. I say things like, “Well, I hope you’re telling the truth.” It’s my defense mechanism. Whenever something seems off-kilter, whether it is or not, I do what my friend describes as “ostriching” – sticking my head in the sand to step away from what is currently causing me discomfort. He has started to call me on it. He wants to know why I don’t believe what he says…why I don’t trust him. I told him it’s not him I don’t trust; it’s trust that I don’t trust. It hasn’t worked out too well for me before I guess. Benefit of the doubt and all that jazz.

Well, letting go is not a place of strength. It makes you vulnerable. Once you’ve experienced a not-so-nice feeling – whether it was hitting the ground off the monkey bars, betrayal from a friend, or a broken heart – our natural instinct of self preservation activates to stop any semblance of that same issue. The problem then becomes that you can’t experience the benefits either.

So while I’m not sure I’m ready to leap, my fingers aren’t as tight. We’ll see. But I know one thing, I’m so happy to have a great safety net: faith, family, and friends. You guys are awesome 🙂

What about you guys? Are you leaping?

Love,

-V

We’ve all been there (probably).

Been out with someone, and within fifteen minutes were thinking, “I could be doing something more important with my life right now, like counting ceiling tiles.” Guys generally end the evening. We girls, however, don’t do it that easily.

We have a plan.

This plan usually involves another friend, a phone call, a specific time frame (i.e. 15 minutes, or 9:42pm), a story that includes a flat tire or a possibly abusive boyfriend/end of a relationship, and an immediate emergency that only the person on the date can handle.

And we’re proud of it.

I was talking to a good friend of mine over the weekend as she was driving home from her hair appointment, and she was telling me about this guy she was spending time with who all of a sudden started irritating her. She said, “Girl! I texted my friend and said to call me with an emergency in fifteen minutes. It was bad because she was saying crazy stuff and I was trying not to laugh and blow my cover!”

This reminded me of Season 5 (Hop, Skip, and a Week) when Carrie and Berger went out to eat, and were sitting down less than 10 seconds when Charlotte burst out of nowhere. She was freaking out because she was on a horrible blind date and had to get out of there. She asked Carrie to call and say something bad happened so she could ditch dude. Of course, it worked. Berger, on the other hand, couldn’t figure out why she wouldn’t just end the date.

Why is that? If a guy isn’t feeling a girl he’s out with, I doubt he is texting his homeboy to bail him out. (But if you are, please let me know. I’ll happily edit this.) He’ll just talk to him later, starting the conversation with “You won’t believe this chick I went out with! She *insert random stalkerish-crazy-idiotic-ignorant behavior*! I won’t be talking to her anymore…unless she is gonna give me some.”

I have some stories. A friend of mine once asked me to call her, and the story I told her was pretty good. She started crying (for effect) and eventually cried for real (it took her a while to stop). saying that the story made her think of a past relationship. I told her, “Dude. It didn’t really happen.” The guy called her all night (literally…every. 25. minutes.) trying to make sure she was okay. I’m pretty sure it had the opposite effect than what she was going for.

I even remember preventative escape plan stories. One of my favorite “bonding” moments with my linesister Alisha was in college, and it was a bunch of us in my dormroom. She said she was at a party, and some random guy she was talking to earlier called her to see where she was. I guess she wasn’t feeling him, and she said, “See, I was slick. I told him I was outside on the left side…but I was outside on the right side.” We all cracked up (Maybe you had to be there…or know how Alisha talks for this to be funny, but trust me, it was hilarious at 3 in the morning… #memories).

Do you have any exit strategy stories? I’d like to hear them!

Love,

-V

“I’ve been dating since I was fifteen! I’m exhausted! Where is he???!!”

This is undoubtedly Charlotte’s most famous line of the show, from “Where There’s Smoke…” in Season 3 (Ep. 1). It was put on t-shirts, bags, and became the unofficial motto of the woman who was ready to get married. However, what was mostly overlooked was what she said almost immediately beforehand (in her hungover state), in response to a conversation about why firemen were so cute, even when they aren’t:

It’s because women just want to be rescued.” There it was: the phrase independent single women in their thirties are never supposed to think, let alone say aloud.

Carrie’s response to Charlotte’s declaration was, “Sweetie, did you ever think that maybe we’re the white knights, and that we have to rescue ourselves?” Charlotte’s response? “That is so depressing,” before plopping her head back into her arms. Carrie’s “Is it??” went unanswered, and you could tell the women were contemplative on the matter.

I was thinking about this after having several conversations with a close friend. Is this accurate? No matter how many Beyonce-esque SingleLadiesIndependentWomenIrreplaceable type songs we hear, ultimately would we honestly want to do as “Kanye the wise” would say, “…trade it all for a husband and some kids”? 

My homegirl and I debated this using the context of my “situation” as the basis. I’ve been sick lately (sinus infection, ugh) and haven’t been to work in a few days. I can honestly say that my friend took great care of me…bringing me medicine and food, checking to see what the doctor said, making me tea, etc… Since this occurrence, I have felt a bit more emotionally attached in a way that I can honestly say I wasn’t a week prior. Is that the innate want of the “protected” to be taken care of by the “protector”? Jury’s out I tell ya, but this is something to think about.

Even our “Queen”, Beyonce, who makes all these independent women songs, has Jay-Z’s name on her fingernails. After wrapping the set of “Video Phone” with Lady GaGa, she was captured saying, “I’m glad this is over…I’m going to see my husband. I’m happy! I’m happy!” I’m not saying she doesn’t believe in what she’s saying, but is it a bit easier to sell because she’s already been “rescued”?

I’m curious folks. What do you think? Here’s a little music for thought.

Love,

-V

So one of my friends and I were having a conversation about the guy I’m currently dating hanging with, and she was trying to analyze his motives. Personally, I am absolutely NOT analyzing his motifs, simply because I am at a place where I choose not to care what they are. I want to keep my feelings in check, simply because in check sounds like a great place for them to be after what I’ve been through on that front.

Well, a conversation about his supposed commitment level led to me saying, “He can’t have that much of an issue with it. He was engaged before.” She then said, “Oh…well, why did it end?” I did a kanye shrug. I didn’t know because I never asked. I never asked because I didn’t have a motivation to know. She said, “Girl, you’ve got to find out! You need to know what you’re dealing with.” **I just want to point out here that my friends are more hell-bent on understanding what he is doing than I am. I recognize that this is because they don’t want me hurt eventually. I love them for that, although I routinely choose to ignore what they want me to do for information that they themselves want. They normally get a ” kill yo’self” for their troubles. They love me anyway.**

I continued to ignore this until the guy and I had a conversation about he and his ex, and how it ended on a “F-you! NO…F-YOU!!” type note. This made me think of Carrie and Jack Berger when they were first starting out, and she witnessed a double-finger situation with him and his answering machine. Lauren, his ex, called, wishing to have lunch. Carrie then started wondering what she was dealing with. The questions started to pour in. She made the statement, “Man! Just when you thought you didn’t have to open to ex-files.” She ultimately asked about it (by the way, Lauren had cheated, in case you didn’t know and/or wanted to), and they shared their pasts.

I am guardedly open about my past hurts. My break-up is still revealing things to me. In my dealings with others, I have found that the way I was treated, though okay, was nowhere near the way I’d want to be treated as someone’s woman. It was what I had accepted. Now, this person is very considerate and very attentive…and the engagement is off? What the hell happened? Do I even want to know? That’s an admission of feelings, and I don’t think I want that because I’m not there yet.

What do you think? Is it a necessity to find out your relationship’s previous relationship? Do you open the ex-files?

Love,

V

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