Terrifying Love

Yep…I didn’t complete the #31WriteNow challenge…but more on that another day. Today I want to talk about what has been on my mind all day.

One of my favorite (non-hair) blogs is VerySmartBrothas. Last week, one of the site’s contributors shared a 100-word insight on love that he originally posted on another blog.

Please go read it. I’ll wait…..

Read it? Good.

Language aside, it was one of the most poignant and truthful things I’ve ever read. I can completely understand. One of the things I’ve found that came with this all-encompassing happiness from the relationship I’m in wais an ever-present dreading. It feels scary to love someone so much that you become obsessed over how you would deal if they were no longer there. I literally think things such as, “A random drunk driver could change my life and I don’t know how I’d bear it.”

That sucks.

It’s like, I could have an awesome day, a wonderful weekend, and as I’m thinking about it in happiness, this random thought creeps in where if he says he’s about to run to the store for peppermints, I’m dang near hyperventilating. What the what??! This has never happened before. I understood concern for someone taking flights (“Text AS SOON AS you land!!”) or road trips (“Stop texting me and drive!!”), but I’ve never been concerned about Target. Or an outside run. Or lunch (who knows what really leads to cancer these days…). It’s mind-boggling.

What amazes me is that I’ve been in four relationships before now…only two of those being serious…and I’ve never felt this way before. I’d never had this level of concern. Yeah, everyone gets the obligatory “be careful” if they are doing things that requires carefulness, but not the “Please don’t fall getting out of the shower and hit your head on the toilet and black out” type of concern. I imagine that new parents feel the same way.

In Season 6, “The Domino Effect”, Carrie spends an evening with a visiting Big. He mentions over dinner that he’s in town for heart surgery, and without controlling it, she bursts into tears. It happened again when she visited him in the hospital, and again when she mentioned the reason for his visit to her friends. It was probably the most telling of any relationship she’d ever been in…and she technically wasn’t in one then. She genuinely cared, and the thought that something could happen to him had shaken her to her core. She normally only reserved that type of emotion for the girls. But Big was Big. And he got in. Even though the end of the episode left a lot to be desired on her part, Carrie knew where her feelings were…where they always had been.

I’ll say this, it’s not my hope to start worrying about if caterpillars will mutate and suck the life out of my beloved, but I do know that this is a tell for how much he means to me. Only God can protect him, so I have to let Him do just that. But, one of the best feelings in the world is when I see him walk in the door, and I know he’s safe……………. and with me.

Have you ever experienced this? WHY DIDN’T YOU WARN ME?? How did you handle it? Let me know!

Love,

–V

Missings

So, for the past couple of weeks, I’ve been all in my feelings. I feel some kind of way about that, lol (See what I did there?)

Creatively, that’s been good. A lot of writing…blogs, poetry, song flips, etc… But, for my own brain? It’s in overload. Even when I’m trying to not think about something, I start thinking about why I’m trying not to think about it. That’s a cycle of suckiness. Hmmm… (lol)

So, this is where my thoughts went today: Things I miss about being in a good relationship (or at least a relationship when it was good). My past relationships had some good parts. My future ones will too. Some of these things I’ve never experienced, but I hope I will. I guess some of these are pre-missings. And these won’t be duty-based things, like someone to take out the trash. Just those little together things…

1. Tailor-made personal touches. One of my exes, when we were about to leave each other, he would pick my hand up, kiss the palm, and then take my finger tips and put them between his lips like you would if you were blotting lipstick. (Does this make sense?) It made me giggle. He didn’t do it as often near the end of our relationship, and I noticed. It was personal, at least to me, like that scene in FaceOff where John Travolta’s family all had a sign of affection that they did to each other all the time.

2. Movie Day. Some of the best days I can remember with anyone I’d ever dated were those impromptu days when you just ended up watching movies for a majority of the day. This was especially interesting if the other party had never seen the movie. Because of the type of movies I like, guys normally haven’t seen them, or have seen them and like them. So we’re either cracking up, or discussing. My best movie days normally had my legs across the lap of the guy. Not too close, not too far away (and if I fall asleep and he has to pee…he’s not held prisoner, nor am I awakened, lol. It’s a really good relationship if he comes back and puts them back across his lap.)

3. Dissecting Music. Generally, anyone I’ve been involved with loved music in one respect or another, so I remember long car trips listening to a series of Jay-Z or OutKast albums. And, even more recently, having conversations about harmonies and vocal qualities. I bond over things like that. It was really good if he liked/likes to hear me sing (because I’m always singing… Every song has a soprano part around me, lol.)

4. Neck Kisses and Good Hugs. I’ll keep all the more physical examples in one. There isn’t much explanation needed for this. I’ve always liked those, lol. Neck kisses, especially from behind (you know, like when you’re cooking or something) make me smile the biggest, shyest smile. Good hugs make me happy for the rest of the day.

5. Inside Jokes. Man…Honestly, I probably miss this more than anything. I don’t think I’ve had an inside joke with anyone I was actually dating in forever. I may have had times where I was making fun of them or being sarcastic based on something only the two of us know, but that’s not the same. I mean, to see something, it remind us of a private moment, and we laugh.

6. Hearing “My Girl”. *deep sigh* moving on…

7. Finding Cards to Give/Hide/Etc. I LOVE cards. I like giving them and getting the reaction, and receiving them and reading them over and over (Yep, I’m a re-reader, lol). I remember once, I woke up at 4am and snuck out the house to someone’s car to put a card on their windshield before he got up for work. I also write in the cards too…as if the message in it wasn’t enough. Maybe that makes me sappy… Whatever. I was at one point. I wonder will I be again?

8. Taking impromptu pictures. Silly. Looking in love. Weird. All of them.

9. Calling/texting to tell random information. I remember texting an ex once to tell him that Sonic had chicken sandwiches on sale. Um…WHY are they on SALE? Why are you trying to get rid of them? I don’t want that. Sonic is trying to kill me. (That was the general strand of the text…lots of laughs and chiming in on my conspiracy theory.)

10. Saying “I love you” when leaving each others presence. I’m not overly-emotional, but I am sentimental. Maybe that’s where this whole list comes from.

One thing I always found interesting in the dynamic of Big and Carrie’s relationship is that she there were things she was comfortable doing with him that she was never comfortable doing with everyone else. She never laughed with Petrovsky. She changed herself for Aidan. She watched her words around Berger. I always liked how she just liked being with Big, whether they were in or out. He called her Kid. They dissected people.

Anyway…hopefully, I’ll be out of my feelings soon. I’m a G, and I’m one Amerie/Teedra Moses/Vivian Green/Musiq/Erykah Badu song away from being a punk. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

What are your favorite random things you do in your relationship? Or, if you’re not in one, what things are you looking forward to doing again?

Love,

V 🙂

P.S. In case you want to hear the kinds of songs stuck in my head…here’s a perfect example:

 

 

 

How much work is too much?

Whenever I go to the grocery store, it is almost a definite that someone will stop me about my hair. They would say some variation of, “Oh my gosh! I love your hair. What do you do to it? What products do you use? I’m natural, but I’m not sure what I need to do.” I share my hair regimen, and I can see the looks on their faces change from “Oh wow” to “Nuh unh.” 4/5 of the time, I hear this phrase:

“Oh wow. Yeah…that’s too much work for me.”

I normally shrug and say, “Well, it works for me.” It has happened so much that I don’t pay it too much attention. It always reminds me of something I saw on a Kevin Hart behind the scenes video. He and his friends say this as a sort of call and response thing: “Everybody wanna be famous…don’t nobody wanna put the work in.” I would chuckle to myself, and keep it moving.

Then, as I was in the shower, hair twisted, shampooing (only my scalp) section by section, drenching with conditioner, finger detangling, and thinking of the black tea rinse I wanted to do, something occurred to me: The same is true of relationships. Everyone wants their Mr. Big, but nobody wants to have to beat him with flowers. For any individual, how much work is too much?

Sometimes, the work for some is at the beginning with appearance. He doesn’t look like you want him too. He’s too _______. If Charlotte had felt that way, she never would have been with Harry, who is arguably (though not really) the best husband on the series. Sometimes, the work is in the middle. Personality differences, disagreements, and/or compromises. The entire Steve and Miranda relationship is based on that premise. Sometimes she did the work; sometimes it was him; either way, it got done. If the work is at the end, like Samantha and Smith, you’re giving the old college try to make sure you’ve exhausted all possibilities before calling it out. But what if your work is like Carrie and Big…all throughout? Is she just stupid for not leaving sooner? Or did her perseverance finally award her the prize?

On VerySmartBrothas.com, there was a post about why women are overly loyal.My friends and I had a conversation about it, and one said, “Most women don’t give up easily…but we need not to if we are going to be “overloyal” mothers to our daughters and sons (not to create needy daughters or mama’s boys though). So I guess we gotta learn to give up on people early in the game lol??” Her sarcasm, (which I love…it’s one of the reasons why we’re friends) rings very true. Where is the line? I know it may be fine, but can we see it? Would it be dumb to think that something we’re not doing in practice (being loyal/working in relationships) will happen in the game (marriage to divorce)?

Put it like this…I like the outcome of my hair styling sessions. I’m willing to put it the work when the outcome is what it is. BUT, if (God forbid) a fire catches my hair a la Michael Jackson…no amount of deep conditioner can help that. I’m going to have to cut this ish off.

What say you? How much work is too much?

Love,

–V

Auld Lang Syne

Happy New Year (24 days in)!

I sincerely hope that your 2011 was made of awesome, chocolate chips, and blessings. 🙂

It’s taken me awhile to write because I was so focused on what I wouldn’t write about. Life has been a bit rough, and I am uncomfortable with writing about it in it’s rawness. I know it will make an awesome testimony at some point in some way, but right now…….

However, I decided that I would write about what I will write about. All of my favorite moments in Sex and the City have to do with the girls being there for each other in rough times…Miranda forcing everyone to talk about Samantha’s cancer during her wedding reception; Carrie stepping in with Miranda in her mother’s funeral possession; Charlotte’s sitting with Carrie when she read Big’s marriage announcement; Samantha forcing Carrie to eat in Mexico; I could continue.

My 2011 ended in a not so great way. While I won’t get into that, I will discuss my friends. When I tell you that there is no better thing in the world (or as a fashion accessory…yes I’m talking to you, lady who insists on wearing leggings as pants) than friends who are not too afraid to be real, not too hard to be compassionate, not t0o cynical to be optimistic, and not too realistic to be faith full. In all of the aforementioned Sex and the City moments, one that stands out to me most is this one:

Only a friend leaves the house dressed this way.

 

<– You see that? That’s real.

Carrie was going through her own stuff. She’d been unceremoniously jilted. She was embarrassed, sad, and still dealing. But, her friend needed her. Her friend didn’t even state that she needed her…she just knew. And she was ready to throw on a coat, sparkly hat, and boots to brave Manhattan’s winter and subway system to be there for her friend (Sex and the City Movie).

According to Wikipedia, Auld Lang Syne “may be translated into English literally as “old long since”, or more idiomatically, “long long ago”,^[4] “days gone by” or “old times”. Consequently “For auld lang syne”, as it appears in the first line of the chorus, is loosely translated as “for (the sake of) old times”. While I can’t control old times, I can celebrate the positives that has come from it.

I have to thank God for the friends He’s given me at the time He’s given them. Only they can affirm you when you feel like breaking down. Only they are willing to stand with you when the rest of the world thinks you’re crazy…even when they think you’re crazy. They’re ready to be on the CNN because someone has harmed you in any way. They’re ready to give snot-nosed (yet cute-faced) prayers to God on your behalf.

Although I don’t believe in stories like “The Notebook”…I do believe in friendships like the girls on Sex and the City. Not necessarily the value systems that they hold, but for the value they see in each other. And no matter what, that crosses all lines. So whether it’s a Louisiana-bred, Kentucky raised chicken judger, a fairly new face who happens to be a jet-setter, a “different than day and night” pair from the heart of the D, someone whose friendship has lasted over a decade, a co-worker who has moved out of that box into other boxes, or the friend you never thought you’d make but has provided consistent God-filled spiritual advice…and she likes shoes like you do…they are important.

Trust me…I’d put on pearls with my pajamas, a sparkly hat, and boots for any of you……..but I ain’t taking MARTA…me and the Camry will ride out though 🙂

I want those friendships for everyone. In 2012, I hope you get it. 🙂

Love,

–V

Not-So-Obvious Reasons I’m Looking Forward to Marriage

I know, I know. Trust me. If you know me, you know my schedule sucks donkey balls. But I PROMISE! At least once a day I think of something awesome to write about. The time to write it, however, eludes me.

Now on with the show: So I’m looking forward to getting married. A lot of people I know are. However, there are some reasons I look forward to it that may not be the same, or the most obvious reasons. Steve did some things for Miranda that were so simple yet made her so happy, like fixing her electronics (TiVo and internet). Harry walked Charlotte to Tasty Delight. So, here they are: my reasons besides lifelong companionship and love, shared memories, children, man-chores (trash, killing bugs, etc…), and sin-free sex (which is important…don’t get me wrong). Go with me here.

1. Someone to zip and unzip my dresses when I’m going to/coming home from work. I totally don’t even mean this in a sexual way (well, at least not really…I mean, once you’re in covenant…..). I mean in the “How the *(&# am I going to get this dress zipped because I have to go to work!” way. At least twice I can remember, I’ve left my dress unzipped, went to work in a jacket, and asked one of my female co-workers to help me out before the students were allowed in the building. Remember when Samantha missed Smith just because she needed someone around to help her fasten and unfasten her bracelet?

2. Someone to get the case of water bottles out of the car. If you’re a woman, and you have a long hallway to your apartment, you feel my pain. As a friend of mine says, “I just wait until whoever the next guy is that is coming by my apartment, and make him do it.” It doesn’t just go for water bottles. Whatever I have that’s too heavy. My mom just bought me a Wolfgang Puck 18 piece cookware set that will be in my car until a certain someone comes to visit me again. I will be cooking on the raggedy ones until then.

3. Sweatpants. I have no idea why, but guys’ sweatpants are the most comfortable things in the world, but not just any guys’…guys’ that you’re dating. Like, I could go to the same targetwalmartsams, and buy the exact same ones, and they’re not as comfy. And I don’t know about any other ladies, but when I break up with someone, I don’t want to wear clothes that they once had…at least not for awhile. And I can’t imagine my legs being cold because Liar Boy was trippin’. I’m just saying. Carrie normally wore their dress shirts…I can’t see how that’s comfortable, lol.

4. Ironing. I don’t know if this is Atlanta, or maybe just Georgia-specific, but every guy I know loves to iron. They have a method to it. I abhor ironing. I have literally stopped on my way home to buy some pants just because I knew all of mine were wrinkled. He could work that out for me.

5. Not having to cook for one. One of my linesisters said this awhile ago, that “Cooking a single serving of anything is the most depressing thing ever.” Now, I lessen that because I cook enough to ensure that I have lunch for the next day, but it’s still only for me. I want to hear, “That was good baby…thanks.” I could say it to myself, but that’d be weird.

So those are the things to most often come up when I think about the random reasons I look forward to marriage. What about you? Are you looking forward to marriage? Already there? What are some of the things you are looking forward to or like the most?

Love,

–V

Soul Mates

“Two small words…one big idea.” –Carrie Bradshaw

When life throws you a curve ball...

I got to thinking about that whole idea after this craziness that is my personal life. I had never felt so much pain in my life. My entire world seemed to have been kicked off its axis, and I wasn’t sure how I would survive it. I was in a state of utter disbelief that something I thought was headed down a certain road clearly did a seemingly illegal u-turn…leaving me standing alone in the street.

So are there soul mates? I would’ve said yes three months ago…now I’m not so sure. There was an event I went to at my church where they talked about dispelling the myths of single people, and a main one was that there is only one person for everyone. Carrie said, “If you loved someone, and it didn’t work out, does it mean that they were not your soul mate?” Samantha’s view in “Agony and the Ex-tacy” was “…It’s so unobtainable. You’re setting yourself up to fail.” So how do we unattached people who wish to be in a relationship that is heading towards marriage stay sane when it is seems like it is happening to everyone but you?

"What if we are supposed to be each other's soulmates?" --Charlotte

I’m starting to think the only answer is by not thinking about it. My thoughts had been so consumed by my current situation, that it was hard to focus on anything else. As I am growing and strengthening, I am meeting more people and putting myself in positions that I would’ve never been in before. If for no other reason that this (and the great shoes I’ve bought…and how clean my house is), I should be happy that I have had this break up experience. Maybe now I can relish creating the kinds of friendships that will have me going to The Coffeshop on Sunday afternoons for conversations.

I do, however, thinking that at some point, when you least expect it, you’ll get a nudge that things are not random and are by design. Whether it is a compliment, a prayer, of a handful of red balloons on your birthday when you thought no one special was thinking of you. I gotta say, I’m looking forward to it. But for now, I’ll learn to be happy with myself. After all, I’m pretty got-damned great!

"I like the word 'soul'. I like the word 'mate'. Other than that, you got me." -- Mr. Big