Letter to 2012

2012,

We didn’t meet under the best circumstances. Our introduction was awkward, and tainted by deception, betrayal, and embarrassment. I felt like I was a horrible person to deserve some of the things that I had endured by the time I laid eyes on you. I felt like I had control of very little. My life was being held together by a thread…a strong thread, but a thread. I didn’t feel like I had control over anything. And I felt loved, but alone.

I learned one very key lesson from our first glance: Grace. I learned the incredible strength it takes to forgive and push forward once you’ve been wronged. I learned to look past a person’s issues and choices and see the brokenness that caused it. It was important for me to learn that lesson because at some point, I’ll need it from someone else. God allowed me a minor glimpse of what He feels daily when dealing with us… When dealing with me.

As we got to know each other better, I know now that I was hurting. Not from the actual issue present at our meeting, but from every relational issue that had ever been. Some of my fears and self-doubt were surfacing, and it was coated with the tight cap I had placed over my emotions over the last few years. I also realized that the pain from our meeting wasn’t because I had felt deeply, but because I had tried and failed. I was angry that my decision had not worked out, and I had been embarrassed in the process. But it doesn’t change the fact that I sincerely wanted to feel.

I got to know my insecurities as I spent more time with you. I had a glimpse of what I actually wanted, but deep down never thought I could attain. My friendships strengthened. I took a few risks. I used my gifts. I trusted God more. Sometimes I trusted Him less…but at least I now know where those areas are so I can remove my hands. I’d been angry. I started expressing myself in different forms.

I let someone in. Well, correction… someone got in. I was prideful and vulnerable. I was ugly and beautiful. I was hard and soft. I rejected and accepted. I made a friend. A friend who saw my insecurities and didn’t play on them. Someone who affirmed beauty in my ugly places. Someone who didn’t try to make me be… just allowed me to be… and then I was. Helped me see through some of my learned behaviors and make me miss my true personality. I trusted. That’s scary, 2012. You could have warned me that I’d be emoting through the latter part of the year. Could’ve given me some preparation for all the emotions that would come flooding back… but noooooo. I felt stripped and bare no matter how hard I tried to stay covered. And though it was frightening…it was freeing. Just inopportune.

So I’m leaving you with some similar feelings, but they’re a good negative if that makes any sense. I feel my broken places, and now I know they’re there. I won’t board them up. I’ll shine light into them and fix them. I won’t internalize rejection. I may feel lonely, but it’ll pass. And it won’t be my truth forever. I’ll be vulnerable…yet selective. I’ll be cautious…but I’ll love. And I’ll feel pain…but so help me God, it’ll be growing pain. It’ll make me better. Because in the new year, all I want to be is better.

I want that for you too. Whoever you are. So thanks, 2012. It wasn’t always pleasant, but it was necessary.

Love,

–V

When Tortoises are in Your Hair, What Do You Do?

First things first…I’ll let you guys know that I had an awesome Valentine’s Day. Thanks for the wishes I received! I was very much so impressed…he did good 🙂

Now, this blog was inspired by my best friend who has had nuggets for the past few days that I have kept me doubled-over in laughter. We were having a conversation about my sister and the subject of romantic possibilities came up. I said, “There are obviously people interested in her, but to me they’re a bit lame.” Her response?

“Of course they’re lame! Your sister is like awesome…a complete package. People with their stuff together think out the details before they approach someone. All these dorks are going to be like, ‘wooooooo! Let me try to get on it and upgrade myself!’ Bring on the idiots!”

After I stopped crying, I got to thinking…where do the lames get their confidence? And even more so, what would happen if we attempt to change them?

Now, let me clarify. I’m considering lame to be something that is unattractive to 95% of the datable world, i.e. bad breath, braids when you are balding, illiterate and proud, sweaters tucked into white socks with black dress shoes and high waters, etc… I am not talking about idiosyncracies that might not be my style (like being a Gucci Mane fan), but would be good to a whole slew of other people.

VerySmartBrothas, a favorite blog of mine, had a post today about being interested in folks who aren’t interested in you. This reminded me of Season 1, “The Turtle and the Hare”, when Samantha was continually approached by “The Turtle” (I want to say his name was Danny Turtletop, but I could be wrong) for a date. Samantha began seeing some guy who walks away from her mid-date because he saw someone else who caught his eye. When Samantha was about to leave seeing as her ego had taken a crushing blow, The Turtle gives her the affection she needed in that moment. She decides she’ll make him a guy she wants to be with instead of pining away for the guy who rejected her. (Yeah…Samantha doesn’t pine. Whatever.)

Now see, The Turtle had a few issues: he was balding (not an issue to me, but it was mentioned quite often by the ladies on the show in reference to men), had weird conversation and habits (trying to figure out the exact ingredients of dinner dishes), and above all? His breath stank. Reeked. Badly. He had horrible pick up lines (“Do you like this shirt? My…ex-girlfriend picked it out.”), and seemed to be just generally awkward. When Samantha mentioned his herb-induced stank breath, he just made a joke after his explanation, and kept it moving. He didn’t have any pretension, and she liked that about him. So after a shopping spree and a facial…viola! A (sorta) new man.

Carrie couldn’t believe it! Why would her friend subject herself to such a man? Was it shallow of Carrie? Was it mean of Samantha not to accept him how he was? The thing is, first impressions can be deceiving. Not judging a book by its cover and whatnot. However, no matter the cover of the book, you can’t change the pages. The Turtle was still himself…awkward and slightly weird, and eventually it never worked for Samantha. I know plenty of people who will try to change a won’t to a will. It has never worked for them.

There has been a time or four where a guy (or girl for the fellas) has been interested, and you couldn’t fathom it. How do you handle this? Do you give it a go? Do you stand firmly on your no? (Hey, I rhymed. Double points.) Do you use it as an experiment? For me, I’ll befriend anyone who I genuinely like as a person (cute or not, if I don’t mesh with you, I won’t stand around to see if I do), but that doesn’t mean it’ll go romantic. But if it just becomes weird and uncomfortable, I’ll just distance myself.  What about you?

Love,

-V

P.S. The word tortoise looks like it is always spelled wrong. For some reason I want it to have a U in it, lol.

P.P.S. No shade to anyone who has bad breath, braids when you are balding, illiterate and proud, sweaters tucked into white socks with black dress shoes and high waters. You need love too. And I’d still like to know where that confidence comes from, lol

Therapy

"Get it Together..."

I have many versions of it. Besides my faith, which I must say, is the root of my therapy, I use several things to refocus my thoughts when I’m feeling down. I have been using all of them recently.

2010 started very promising, and it went awry. Even with the many people who support and love me, ultimately when I come home, I am alone, and that is when I have to deal with me. It reminds me of when Carrie was in turmoil after her break-up with Big, and she talked about how the relationship was a series of games and it didn’t work out. Charlotte said, “Well, maybe the game’s not over. Maybe it’s just half-time.”

In my own life, as I try to make the adjustment to this new phase, I wonder if I am truly supposed to be moving away from it, or if it is a phase. I was so excited when I started this blog, and then the whirlwind of events pushed me to a place where I could not even focus on what to write. It seemed as if every aspect of my world was crumbling. I know I’m a strong person, but this was a bit much…and everyone who I know loves me is at least a 7 hour drive away. To quote Carrie, “The loneliness is palpable.” Have any of you felt this way? How did you deal? I can’t help but wonder…What is REALLY going on?