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LOL.

Stress is a...

Stretch girl…you’re out of practice.

Yep.

So, a post I made four years ago exactly popped up on my TimeHop and reminded me that I haven’t posted in a few years.

I just never came back. I didn’t plan on doing so either, but rereading that post and realizing what it was the beginning of made me realize how important that outlet was in my life at the time. So, I figured I should give this blog a proper closing. Here we go:

I started this blog as a response to heartbreak. Someone from my past wounded me deeply, and this was a much needed reprieve from the self-reflection and assessment of self-worth that clouded my mind. It then moved from a way to express those emotions in a guarded way to a way to examine the random goings on of life in relation to something I enjoyed. Now, I honestly can’t tell you the last time I’ve watched SATC beyond a random TBS showing as I’m flipping through the channels and catch a “good one”.

I remember telling someone awhile ago that I can only write when I’m sad. I write lots of poetry when I’m struggling with something. I can rarely do that when I’m happy beyond the love…dove…glove that Big reminded Carrie of when she was asked to write a poem for that wedding (which Season was that…awww man, I’m losing my touch!! 😦 ) So, it makes sense that I haven’t kept up with this as my personality has shown, and I think that’s a good thing. I write to process…I haven’t needed to do that for something on the negative spectrum in quite some time. It makes sense…and this is exactly why Sex and the City needed to stop after the first movie.

The girls were fine. Everybody was good. They manufactured issues for the sake of the story…and it was subpar at best. I’ve already discussed this at length. They should’ve just left it alone. Aidan was fine in our memories. He didn’t need to become the bad(ish) guy. They made an entire movie because Carrie was bored. Bored people. If there’s not a story there, let’s not force one. They could’ve been happily living in post TV land just doing stuff day to day without an audience.

That’s how I am.

That’s what I’m doing.

The only reason I wrote tonight was because the post that popped up reminded me where I was when the writing was expressive because my life was confusing. Things are very different. My friends are still excellent. I’m still teaching (and kicking butt at it, even in a different environment). I’m happily living my post blog life just doing stuff without a day to day audience. And that’s okay. I’m good. 🙂

So here is the series finale of Sex and the City Psychology. Thank you to the people who consistently posted, who sent encouraging emails, who shared or only found me recently. I appreciate your listening ears when I needed them. I’m grateful for your attention. I hope that your lives are filled with happiness, and that you have found someone to love the you that you love. More importantly, I’m hoping that you love the you that you are.

Thank you.

Oh yeah, before I go…the friend I started making traditions with? The one I sparked with? Well…

 

 

I married him. the_lee_wedding-5726

Best decision ever. It’ll be two years in a few weeks, in case you’re curious. That’s all folks. Be sweet!

~Fin.

 

“…nobody would fall because everyone would be each others’ crutches.” –Jay Z, “Feelin’ It”

Hi.

Let me start by saying this…I’m not going to promise to post more often. I’m not going to say that I’ll do this and this or that and that. I’m not going to offer excuses or explanations. I’ve been living. When I feel inspired and life slows down enough for me to write, I’ll write. If it doesn’t, I won’t. I’m going to stop making that promise.

Now, on with the show.

I’m happy.

I could end there, but that wouldn’t be much of a post would it. Let me start again, 30 owes me nothing. If everyday from here on out until 31 was filled with bologna sandwiches and Scandal-less tv, I wouldn’t complain (well…hopefully. I shouldn’t complain. That would be more honest). I’ve had some wonderful things happening in my career (which I’m not at liberty to share), I’m honestly happy with myself as a person, and I’m in a relationship that feels nothing like I’ve ever felt, and I feel blessed by it all. God has kept his eye on me, and I am forever thankful. 

But this isn’t what is making me ultimately happy.

I mean sure…it’s 90%. But what is making me happy is that my friends are finding their happy too. We have seen each other at some interesting lows, and seen glimpses of what highs look like. It’s awesome that I have a friend making waves in her dream, another who is a semester away from hers, another who can probably kick through a door legitimately if need-be, several bosses in their careers, and more awesome mommies and talented chicks than I can count. I’m happiest that the people I’ve chosen to be my family – my friends – are coming up too. Even if some are still climbing their mountain, they should know someone else has got lemonade on chill for them, right?

Even though I won’t tie this to a specific episode of Sex and the City, this is ultimately what the entire show is about: being there for your friends through it all. Happy in their happies, and wiping tears in their sads. Seeing in them what life has blinded them to in themselves, and throwing the confetti when that picture comes in HD. So I could talk about love and have a laundry list of things I’ve learned about myself and why he’s the best ever, but this moment is not the time for that particular revelation. I’m happy. I’m happy for me. I’m happy for them. I’m happy for us. And this “us” is my friends.

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Love you ladies.

–V

I haven’t forgotten about you. Between turning 30 (which was awesome, and thank you so much for the spectacular well wishes!), work being back in session with a vengeance, a legion of meetings outside of my teaching responsibilities, church activities, and having the time to stop and enjoy my relationship…ya girl has been busy. And sleepy. Very very sleepy. So I took seven days off from writing, but I’m still here. Say, “Hello Atlanta!” Lol, 😉

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But trust me…I am still one happy girl. I’m happy with where I am. I’m typing this from my phone in a meeting, taking notes and asking questions, but still wanting to express myself. Yesterday, a friend sent a song to me that she said reminded her of myself and my road to 30. The song is “I Choose” by India.Arie. Check the chorus:
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Preach India! This reminded me of when Carrie turned 35 with a less than positive outlook. She had to admit something from her heart that her mind wished wasn’t truth: that she wanted a special man to celebrate with. Having her friends made her life wonderful, but they didn’t fill that companionship void. It wasn’t until Big showed up with champagne and red balloons that she felt better (here’s a Vivienne note: this is when I figured they would end up together. I’m pretty sure I’ll make this a post.)

Then I thought about when one of my closest friends turned 30. She wasn’t looking forward to it and she has a wonderful husband and beautiful children. However, her career wasn’t what she wanted. This is when it occurred to me that this song was relatable. Authenticity to who you are makes a difference. What is important to me may not be as valuable to someone else. But if it’s important to me…it’s important. Pretending it’s not just leaves feelings of discontentment. You can’t forget about yourself and YOUR values. And you can’t judge what’s important to you by what is important to others. Choose.

So… I’m choosing. Choosing to focus on being my best self. Choosing to want to be the best Vivienne, daughter, friend, girlfriend, future wife, and/or future mom that I can. Because I started thinking that way, I embraced 30 with open arms and snacks, lol. I love that life started falling into place and allowed me to see me clearly. I won’t forget about V.

Any areas where you’re choosing your best you…or want to? Share.

Love,
-V
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Today was the first day of school. It felt different. I didn’t have the random 2-2:30 am wake up that I normally have at the start of every – my clear indicator of nerves. I didn’t spend the previous night deciding what outfit would make me look professional and jazzy – an ideal I wanted conveyed to my students. I didn’t try to fall asleep earlier than I have been all summer – which, granted, has been earlier than the 4 to 5 AMs of summers past. I ate my final piece of birthday cake (yo…that thing was good. Pretty…and good), drove back to my side of town, watched tv, and laid it down for the night.

As I got to work 5 minutes early, I didn’t feel the intimidation of several new faces. I didn’t even freak out when I saw that my classes were bigger than they normally are for this time of year (I don’t teach at a traditional high school). When the copier broke down, I just created a plan B. I clarified certain things with my administrator with my heels clacking all the way. New and newer teachers sought me out to ask last minute questions, compliment my outfit choice, or to help them calm down. It was then I realized something: I was a veteran.

I remember when Carrie met her mentee Laurel Harris and how all of her questions and enthusiasm, while sweet, seemed worlds away from the life she understood (Season 2, “Twenty-Something Girls vs. Thirty-something Women”). She seemed awed by Carrie’s confidence that had developed over time, fascinated by the ease with which she met new people, and just generally wanted to be in her presence. Laurel painted Carrie’s toenails, shared her idealized (though non-practical to Carrie) views on relationships, and gushed over her clothing. Carrie’s regular happenings were news to this bloomer. She probably didn’t realize how much time had passed since she herself had been in the phase where Laurel resided until there was someone reminding her daily that it seemed extraordinary.

That’s how I felt today. People came to me just to ask how I relate to students. Students who’d already been to my class were saying in other classes that they felt I’d be their favorite. They wanted to know how I “did” me. I realize now that this is the confidence that comes over time as you do what you’re called to do. Sometimes it comes out as remarkable to those just wading in their calling. And I feel honored. Honored that they see or saw something in me that they wanted to know more about. Soon…they too will be veterans, and the cycle will start again. I’ll wish them well!

For any teachers reading, I hope you have a wonderful school year!

Love,

-V

P.S. I told you my cake was pretty! (He did good 🙂 )

30th Birthday Cake

Butterflies… Stomach Flips… All used to describe the happy anxiousness that is the crossroads of something you’re looking forward to with the unknown. Carrie called is Zsa Zsa Zsu at the end of Season 5 (“I Love a Charade”). She describes it as the feeling you get when you meet someone you really really like. That sort of lovey, butterflies feeling when you just want to be with someone. Her actual quote was:

zsa-zsa-zsu-carrie“‘How do you sustain a relationship without the zsa zsa zsu?’
‘The what?’
‘That butterflies-in-your-stomach thing that happens when you not only love the person, but you gotta have them. Isn’t that what gets you through the years? Even if it fades, at least you have the memory of the zsa zsa zsu…'”

Interesting concept. But I’m finding as I’m zeroing in on thirty during this #31WriteNow challenge that Zsa Zsa Zu doesn’t always have to be romantically linked even though that’s usually what is being discussed. As I come to know myself more and am clearer about the things I want, the things I need, and the things that are non-negotiable, I realize Carrie has a point. A lot of relationships may last for a long time without a butterflies feeling, but do you want that? Would you have an issue knowing that someone you love didn’t mind being with you, but didn’t necessarily want you? (How many relationships do you know of that fit that description? I can think of several.) In fact, how many relationships have you been in for that EXACT REASON?

I’m finding Zsa Zsa Zsu moments everywhere. Teaching isn’t glamorous (at all), but have my Zsa Zsa Zsu/Mr. Feeny moments every time I see the light bulb go off. When a child sees enlightenment in a concept I’ve taught them (in or out of the textbook), I get the butterflies. Those butterflies stop me from leaving the profession at particularly low moments. My friends provide Zsa Zsa Zsu moments over the years when I’ve felt particularly lonely in a new and bigger city than the one in which I grew up. The rest of that episode was interesting…truly one of my favorites. Miranda realized how important Steve was to her while Charlotte stopped with her ideal man list to realize an ideal man was in front of her.

Carrie had some truly poetic dialogue in this show. My favorite lines were at the end …

pregnant carrie

“When it comes to relationships, maybe we’re all in glass houses and shouldn’t throw stones. Because you can never really know. Some people are settling down. Some people are settling. And some people refuse to settle for anything less…than butterflies.”

Word.

I’m deciding that’s true for anything that truly matters to me. And I truly feel blessed that those things are coming into fruition in my job potential, my friendship circle, my family, my faith, and the man in my life. The things I hold close to me are important to me because I want them…not just because they are there and available. Settling was a true possibility. When you settle, you’re always hoping for something different while being indifferent in the now. So as I get ready for my birthday dinner party…I’m truly happy for butterflies. 🙂

Where have you experienced (or at least hope to experience) your Zsa Zsa Zu?

Love,

-V

Today I was at work – minding my own business because I finished putting up my classroom decorations and completing my lesson plans – when I realized that my phone battery was getting low and decided to put it on the charger while I went to a round of afternoon meetings. I come back about an hour or so later to several notifications on my phone. I look at the various social media sites and see that I have a message from Patricia, the owner of GlobalCouture, a wonderful website that is about loving your own hair (She’d interviewed me earlier this summer). Her message said, “I have a surprise for you!!! You are featured on Curlynikki.com today!!!”

Shut. The. Front. Door.

I started pulling up everything I could. I was ecstatic. I’ve talked about my hair and the natural hair community here before, but I’ve never focused on this as a natural hair blog. This is just my way of combining my nerdy-fandom, love of writing, weirdly great memory, and favorite show in a therapeutic way. When I saw my feature, I can carriebradshaw460imagine how Carrie might’ve felt when she met her two fans in Paris (Season Season, Part 2, “An American Girl in Paris – part deux”). She was in a foreign land, wanting a bit of normal, and unknowingly walked into something that made her really happy.

When I saw my feature, I was so happy I yelled in my classroom, ran into the hallway to tell someone, but no one would know what I was talking about (Which is what I actually screamed, lol). That’s when I realized that most of my close friends either live away, moved away, or aren’t as easily accessible due to life changes. None of this is a bad thing, it’s just different. Similar to Carrie, she was excited to see her book in a window with no one with whom to share her glee. She had Petrovsky, but he didn’t understand the same way that her friends would.

I’m happy to have several differences from Carrie. My man is no Petrovsky, that’s for sure. He understood and was happy for me. And, my friends are a phone call away and I don’t even need a calling card. 😉 All in all…that’s a blessing. And I’m pretty sure it’s high on the non-romantic-interest best days ever of 2013.

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Have you had a day that you would consider epic? What happened?

Love,

-V

I’m six days away from my 30th Birthday. (Yes…Birthday gets a capital B. I’ve decided it’s a proper noun.)

As I alluded in the first post for the #31WriteNow series, I’ve had lots of things I’ve concerned about. Life…Love…the Pursuit of Happiness. It seems that the closer I get to this major milestone birthday, the more I start giving consideration to things on a more long term scale. I also get very definite about the things that I am NOT giving consideration to on a long term scale…or short term for that matter. I’m slowly but surely coming into my own about who I am, and who I’m not for that matter. I know I’ll make mistakes, I’ll have great ideas, I’ll laugh (probably a lot), and cry. I’ll have arguments, and I’ll be woman enough to apologize when I’m wrong.

satc_season5_episode71_514x330_032920041251_thumbThis reminds me of Season 5’s “Cover Girl”, the first fight on record between Carrie and Samantha. Carrie made the statement that she believed it was time for women her age to cover up, she admitted judging the one friend who had never judged her, and out rightly said that she was uncomfortable with the looks suggested to her for her book cover and didn’t bend on it. And like my line sister so eloquently used Beyonce’s newest full version song to explain, that is some Grown Woman ish. She refused to cover who she was.

I’ve noticed about myself that I am less likely to do things I don’t want to do just to make some group happy, or to ensure that others don’t judge me. I also address people head on. I don’t fake it when I’ve been hurt or wronged,…and then, well, please refer to the previous sentence. It takes a lot to decide who you are in spite of the world. Even more to not have an issue to admit when you’re wrong. Even more to know and even welcome your shortcomings. I’m happy to be embarking on my Grown Woman. I’m also refusing to cover up, hide, or refute who I am. I’m a Grown Woman.

What are your signs of growing up?

Love,

-V

One of the things that I love about Sex and the City is the wittiness of the dialogue. I loved how many allusions there were to literature, how the shows were themed…all of it. That is the part of the show that initially drew me in – well…that and the shoes. To me, this is what was missing from the second movie (I think. I’m going to watch it again tonight to ensure I know what happened. I disliked it so much at first watching that I bought it and never watched it again. The dialogue that I can recall was so corny that I got annoyed)…the conversations. One episode that has a huge focus on that dialogue is the Season 5 premiere, “Anchors Away”. When Carrie suggested Brady might be anorexic because he wouldn’t latch on during breastfeeding? Loved it. Creating New York as a dysfunctional boyfriend? Great imagery.

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I was ecstatic yesterday when I had to opportunity to be all witty and whatnot during the most random conversation. Let me just say this: yesterday was a day of Randomness. I got compliment bombed as I walked to my car from lunch yesterday. A guy yelled “NICE LEGS!” and waved from his truck. (No…thank YOU random citizen!) But the most random one happened as I was trying to find the best popcorn on earth in Kroger.

As I walked through the store, searching on the popcorn aisle for popcorn (silly me) and not finding it. A group of male employees at the meat station started making comments to which most non-ratchet women wouldn’t acknowledge or respond. Finally, one of the guys said, “Can I help you find something?” I then turned and said “No, I’m okay.” The second guy said, “It don’t make no d*mn sense for you to look that good.” I did a polite smile and kept walking. The first guy said, “What are you looking for?” I said “This popcorn…” The second guy said, “Is it good?” I said, “Yes…it’s the best popcorn in America…possibly the world.” He said, “Dang…that good? I want to try it.” I said, “If it’s in here, I’ll let you know what it’s called.” He said, “But I want to try it…not here, but at your house later.” I said, “Ummmm……..inappropriate must be half off with your Kroger card.”

About 10 minutes later, I felt the sweet euphoria of having the great comeback. The witty response. That awesome repartee. That was a great response! Yes…I’m a dork. I know…I’m okay with it, but I was seriously thinking, “SWEET!” once it came out of my mouth, lol.

You ever have an experience where you had an awesome comeback that didn’t “occur to you to say” like…..3 hours later? What was it? I wanna know. Sharing is caring. I have another one where I almost effectively quoted an entire chorus from Bobby Brown’s “My Prerogative” without her knowing it, and was giving good advice too. Oh yeah…that one was awesome. Anyway, please…share.

Love,

-V

Yep. I thought I told you that we won’t stop, I thought I told you that we won’t stop! *Insert random Diddy noises*

Hi.

Yep. A straight Scandal, Pope listening to the President speak words after being shot in the head response… “Hi.”

Yes I know I haven’t written since Valentine’s Day. And I know that I could have and didn’t. But since Luvvie is all rallying the writing troops for her #31WriteNow Challenge…it seemed as good a time as any to get back in the saddle.

For this month of August, I’m going to try to write a post everyday. It seems a good month to do it…I turn 30 this month. I’m entering a new decade. A new age box to check on surveys. A new mindset of things that creep into your head that you never gave more than a passing whim to before. The age group where you start thinking about your parents dying. Or what you want to happen to your career in real-time, not theory. If you think you could handle having an actual kid. Is there someone you could be with the rest of your life and make the new version of your family? Dude…just go running…it’s not about vanity anymore – it’s about health.  Yeah, I’m not doing that………I’m about to be 30, and I’m saying no to that one. Why? Just because.

Those thoughts permeate my brain on a daily basis in one source or form or another. I’m reflective. I’m a creature of habit, so change is a big deal to me. But I’m also a Leo, so challenges aren’t. Let’s see if this month can help filter through the murkiness of my mind…not forgetting to nod to the pristine places too. Here we go…you in?

Love,

-V

ImageYou see this?

It was posted on Instagram by @alex_elle (Alexandra Elle). It spoke to me. Read it.

It is a part of her #anote2self campaign. Her idea is that “we all need reminders” and she invites people to use the hashtag and write their own notes.

This particular one spoke to me because I’ve had a rough year. It is probably been rougher than most realize or understand, that’s for sure. However, on this day…this particular day in February…it’s so easy to focus on what we don’t have or to look to the next level as more important than the one we’re in. So I just wanted to share this #anote2self: You are enough.

It seems like sometimes in life when we keep getting two to the body, and one to the head, we get used to rolling with the punches. What happens is that when we finally stop, we realize that we are bruised. Battered. Beaten. We never give ourselves time to heal between blows. Maybe because we are so used to pressing on. To dusting ourselves off. And when we finally stop…we may not recognize ourselves. We may doubt our abilities. Our gifts. Our value. Our anything. So this reminder is that you are enough.

In “Attack of the 5’10” Woman” (Season 3…my favorite season), Carrie was almost desperate to show Natasha that she was fabulous. When that opportunity didn’t present itself, she felt like less and less. That was because through all of her heartache, she had begun to feel like less and less…but never stopped. My favorite part of that episode is when Charlotte told Carrie in the midst of her obsession: “Listen to you. You don’t have to prove anything. You are stunning… intelligent… and funny.” Carrie’s response was, “Wow! Why can’t you do that for yourself?”

Sometimes we can’t. Sometimes we feel so let down or rejected that it clouds our ability to see value in ourselves. You feel enough pain and you get tired. You believe your worst critique. The value is pushed down deep and possibly covered. But it’s there. And no matter who didn’t see it, who didn’t want it, who can’t stand it…it’s there. And you are enough.

So, just let yourself heal. It’s God’s battle anyway. 🙂

I’m not sure if anyone needed that, but this is #anote2self…so if it isn’t for anyone else, I’ll take it. So no matter how much I’ve been hurt, or feel sad or down, I have to know that I am enough. Even if it’s just because God said so.

Have a Happy Valentine’s Day.

Love,

–V

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