Okay, so remember a while back – some time around April I believe – when I mentioned that I had a boyfriend? Well, it didn’t work out. He was, um, otherwise engaged…amongst a bunch of other Eminem stuff (Eminem…shady…see what I did there? lol). It is for the best; it lasted all of two months officially, even though we were seeing each other for about 10 months before then. The good thing is that my niece said it doesn’t count anyway because she never met him or knew his name…bonus!

A friend of mine said, “Really? Two months? And weren’t you on a whole other continent for two of those months? So technically, it was a month and a week! I mean, wow…didn’t you know it wouldn’t work? I figured it wouldn’t.” (Most people did…only 3 ever said anything of the sort.) Now, this whole thing isn’t about him, but rather was a point that reminds me of something I was talking to my current beau about ( 😉 …hey babe *blush*), and a post on VerySmartBrothas about a cheating spectrum, and it got me to thinking about lying.

 It’s no secret that lies are one of the major dismembering factors in relationships, but are all lies created equal? My boyfriend and I were discussing how lies of omission are viewed because how deceptive they can be. I can say that this relationship has probably started the mostly honest-ly of any relationship I’ve ever been a part of, so we discuss a lot. And, because we started as friends (like seriously, I never would have seen it coming), there are certain aspects of our lives that we were privy to already as friends, so you can hold it back once it has moved to a relationship.

My question becomes one of “Is there a magnitude or caliber of lying that is wholly seen as permissible, while the opposite end is likely to find someone in a hospital?” Samantha caught Richard eating another woman’s…er…sushi (“I Heart NY”, Season 4). She papered his neighborhood and threw a drink in his face………but ultimately returned to the relationship. I have another friend who found out her boyfriend actually gets off work 2 hours before he told her he did, and she ended the relationship and never looked back. When I asked why, her response was “If he is lying about this, then we are starting off with problems. I’m not about to stick around to see what the **** they are. If he needed two hours he couldn’t tell me about, what the hell was he planning to do with them?” Touche.

I remember the moment I knew it wasn’t going to work with the person who can be commonly regarded as my ex. (But for future reference, if I say Ex on this blog, 9 times out of 10, I’m referring to the 5 year relationship of over a year ago…or whenever it was…yeah, a year.) It was way before I knew anything else was happening, and it was simple. A little before Easter, we were at his apartment watching “The Wood”. There is a moment in this movie where the two childhood sweethearts were planning to give their virginities to each other, but the only condom present ripped. The female instructed the main character to grab another one out of her brother Stacy’s room. Well, Stacy comes home with his girlfriend, he has to hide with the condom, the girl goes ballistic because there is a condom missing and she had counted his stash the last time she was there. Stacy couldn’t explain it to her, and they leave arguing.

While we were watching, he said, “That’s so stupid. I would’ve just said, ‘I gave one to my homeboy, Boo.'” o_O.

I said, “Ummmmmmmmm…………what????”

“Yeah. I’d just blame it on him. It’s easier than trying to explain. And whatever I said would sound like a lie anyway, so I’d just lie to keep the peace.”

Our conversation after that was a continuous dialogue about the lying being wrong (or not), and I remembered that I brought it up to at least 3 groups of people. Now, granted, it was an interesting conversation starter, and everyone we discussed it with found it interesting. But honestly, I never let it go. The ease with which he created the plausible and logical lie always bothered me. Had I followed my gut in that moment, I probably would have experienced less drama (because the kid really doesn’t do drama).

Richard Wright has plausible and logical lies. The woman he was meeting for lunch was a business associate. So where do you forgive, or just say forget it?

My thing is, I don’t need to be performing mid-day secret ops in a wig and glasses before I decide we are NOT together. So what is your lying curve? Anything is a deal-breaker, or wait until it’s a bigger deal? Is not telling that you still talk to an ex on a semi-regular basis the same as planning your wedding while you have a date? Because it is all wrong. Let me know, lol.

Love,

–V

P.S. Here’s Ne-Yo’s take on it…(I love the writing…hate the message…but I get it also. It’s a conundrum.)

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