I hate* my friends.

Heart to Heart...

They consistently try to point out logic and truth when I don’t want to hear it. I was talking to one of my friends about my timidity of trusting someone and stepping out into relational waters again. She said, “Like, real talk? Not about him, or about your ex, because you haven’t said anything negative about him since the new year, but you have been throwing major shade at yourself. You are letting someone’s past actions dictate how you act, even if it is ‘in spite of.’ You are responding to him in defense of what you think he’ll do, and you need to remember that he is not your ex. You can’t treat him like he is, or like he will be. You have to let him be him, and take it how it goes. I’m not saying don’t be cautious, but don’t do this.”

*crickets* 😳

I gave the only response that I could give in that moment….

…”No, YOU stupid.”

We both cracked up. I acknowledged what she said, but thought about it on the car ride home. How much credit do we give our past in how we go about our present? I hate the idea that my past relationship can have that much power over the things I do right now. Who is really running these decisions that I make?

Another friend of mine called me a cold freezer today. He said I either have some hellified defense mechanisms, or I really don’t care. I believe it is the former. Only your friends can tell you those things about yourself that you don’t really want to hear. Or acknowledge. They can call into question your actions that you don’t want to analyze for yourself. They can make you view it so even if you decide to keep doing what you’re doing, you’re doing it consciously. Doesn’t that suck? Miranda did it for Charlotte in SATC 2: the movie. She forced her to admit that motherhood is not always nice, fun, or wanted. Only then could she really say what she wanted or needed, and stop running herself crazy or being resentful.

The ending of my last relationship blindsided me. In hindsight it should not have, but in the moment, it did. I keep wondering if I will walk into another head-on collision unprepared, so I’m checking every nook and cranny for possible signs. My friend said if I continue to do that, it in and of itself will cause the accident I was looking for. (She didn’t state it in this manner, but you know, implications and whatnot.) So I can admit this: I’m scared.

*sigh* 😕

Can’t you see why I hate* my friends? I just can’t right now. Goodnight 🙂

Love,

–V

* hate here means desperately thankful for even if I don’t admit it in the moment. This definition stops at the culmination of this post, and is only active within the confines of the post itself.

Advertisements